In Love With a Sociopath?
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Are you in love with a sociopath? Sociopaths can ruin your life. Do you have a sociopath in your life? I am writing this to all types of people … a lonely teenager wanting someone to be close to. A widow who misses sharing her life with a male companion. A young man who wishes he had a beautiful girl to take out and show off to his friends. A single mom who desperately needs a partner, both emotionally and financially, and even the happy, socially adept person who isn’t looking for companionship but suddenly finds the most wonderful person out of the blue, someone who may be too good to be true.
This hubpage, http://hubpages.com/hub/THE-PSYCHOPATH-NEXT-DOOR, contains a list of traits that you can use as a check list when considering your new girlfriend or boyfriend. Please check it out, print it out, and really think about and analyze your new acquaintance’s personality before you take things further.
Give yourself some time. With time, the symptoms start to appear. The first tiny cracks in the façade show up. Imagine how much better it will be if you do not allow the relationship to become intimate just yet. There are many stories out there, from both female and male, from people of all ages and circumstances, about how difficult it is to dislodge a sociopath from your life. Think how much easier it will be for you if you do not allow them to gain control, to worm their way into your affections, your social circle, and your home.
In the beginning it is easy, even exciting and rewarding up to a point, to get caught up in the drama that a sociopath generates. They are often upset and angry and full of stories about their ex who is a psychopath (they say), their boss who treats them unfairly, co-workers who lie about them, and family members who shut them out or try to steal from them. They make lots of phone calls and text messages and draw you deeper into their world. They can be charming, funny, witty, sexy, even appear to be loving and caring. But the attention is ever and always turned back to what they want, what they need, what they will have, due to their narcissistic view of themselves and their mind-boggling sense of entitlement.
An example is the sociopathic entrepreneur who feels that his abilities combined with your money will enable him to rise above the herd and become wildly successful. When this doesn’t work out, it’s never his fault. He shows no concern for the devastation his actions have caused, and places the blame squarely upon others. If he is temporarily successful, he usually blows through money in a short time and has a tendency to brag about his accomplishments.
If you are useful to the sociopath, he or she will remain connected to you. They may view you as a possession. They want access to your money, your home, and your relationships with others. They sometimes isolate you from your friends and drive a wedge between you and your friends by mocking them and putting them down. They tend to be unappreciative of what you do for them, minimizing your contributions and always wanting more.
While some sociopaths commit crimes, most of them simply go through life creating havoc and taking what they want. They usually engage in a series of casual sexual relationships. Each one begins with a high sense of hope and dramatic displays of feeling. Over time, the careful observer will note that these dramas are short-lived and lacking in depth. Series of sexual relationships, job-hopping, many career changes and location changes all feed their need for excitement.
Their credit history reveals the irresponsibility of the sociopath. The empty promises to pay child support, the unpaid credit card debts, the personal loans never repaid, all contribute to the overall picture that emerges. Some sociopaths have a quick temper and engage in impulsive acts that leave others puzzled. The sociopath may quit without notice, constantly change plans, break off a friendship, and move to another state, and leave children, friends, co-workers, and family members damaged in the aftermath.
This behavior has roots in childhood and the sociopath takes full advantage of that also, constantly retelling his story of his dysfunctional family to engage you. These stories elicit sympathy; of course they do.
Just recognize the hardest thing, that there is NOTHING you can do to change this person. You can pour your love, your sympathy, your caring, your time, and your money into this relationship, and you can sacrifice your other relationships, and NOTHING will change this person. Please recognize that the earlier in the relationship you figure this out, the safer it will be for you. If the sociopath has already damaged you, forgive him or her, but move on.
Unfortunately, if a member of your family is a sociopath, I don’t have any advice for you although I wish whole-heartedly that I did. When there are complicated ties, such as children or elderly parents, it is difficult to distance yourself from such a family member. A sociopath usually damages the entire family. One can only hope for some outside influence that will change the dynamics of the relationship. If the misfit comes into a lot of money it will provide a natural means of putting physical distance between you and the misfit since they won’t need you any longer. However, if you are the one who comes into a lot of money, it might make the situation worse, since sociopaths are drawn to money. Hoping that the person will change and continually looking for some kindness and empathy from that person is the most likely state of mind of a family member, but that change never comes. The sociopath usually continues to cause pain throughout the relationship up to the bitter end. It’s a sad chronic affliction and there is no cure.
Some highly intelligent or charismatic psychopaths and sociopaths ply their trade on a broader scale; they percolate up into the top strata of society, become politicians, investment counselors, or captains of industry and attempt to rule us and/or take all our money.
Comments, cautionary tales? I posted a link to this hubpage on a message board, and every poster who commented knew at least one sociopath and they offered their stories which all corroborated my conclusions about how tough it is to rid your life of one. Please be careful in your choices, and tell me your stories.
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Also, what you said about the sociopathic entepreneur... This man was always starting up some kind of business or had some kind of brilliant idea that of course required money... Fortunately, I was too damn broke to finance any of his ventures, but had I have been a little more tolerant of his bullshit, he would have gone after my father, because my father was completely smitten by this fool when I introduced them to each other... He wanted my father to be a "board member" on his latest venture a few months ago, but we got into it and had another big blowout and the relationship I believe is FINALLY over... Hoever the last time I saw him which was in August of this year, it was because he needed to borrow money from me, which I foolishly gave... And even though it was only $30 it was my last $30 (but he promised to pay me back lmao), it just goes to show that whatever he could get from me, (sex, money, sympathy) he readily took... But then would say that I gave of my own free will... And I know he has a flock of ready and willing women on the side who will feel sorry for him and get pulled into his web of lies and deciet, and emotional manipulation... May God have mercy on their souls, because I almost didnt make it out alive...
Thanks for your comments, Tanya. Glad you made it out alive! Some people don't ... There are some good honest decent people out there and I hope you find one.
It is because of sites like this, explaining the key points of exactly what a sociopath is, I have just in the past few days been able to let go, forgive him, and realize that nothing I did, said, acted upon brought about his cruelty toward me; he is sick and I can't fix him.
I have written a "romantic-comedy fantasy," entitled "The Year I Learned to Text; Why Am I Having Sex with a Muslim in My Basement?" The release date is Valentine's Day, 2011. He was out of my life for a year and one month, and during that time I mourned, cried incessantly, became manic, my life completely out of control, but I sat down and wrote about this man that came into my life and changed me forever. If I can love a mad man that much, I can love a good man even more!
He returned this August and I let him back into my life, my body, my soul, and my basement, and for two months he turned my life upside down with his craziness.
I truly believe that he returned only to "finish the job" he had started on me.
Now I just ask God to take care of him. My book is a warning written with laughter and tears and ends when he marries me in front of Allah right here in my living room. Book II: Honeymoon in Yemen, but Not Without My Dogs is in the works. The reader will be happy to know that Julie came to her senses—cannot end the book until something special happens!
My sociopath talked of new businesses, his crazy ex's and how I was the only one that he could ever be with forever . . . even though he would be finding three more wives and having children very soon . . .he broke dates with no excuses, stole from me physically and emotionally . . .and the sex awakened me and now I am ready for a man who truly loves me!
I am 62; he is 40. And as my daughter said, "Mom, any man 22 years your junior that wants to marry you has got to be crazy."
And, yes, my psycho has a flock of women he still keeps around. This I am sure. Oh, and loads of family problems to which I poured out much pity!
Someone shoot me now!
Love to you all,
Julie
Another survivor, Julie! Sending positive thoughts your way.
I WON! I loaned him about 50K over the years. Dumped me in 2007 when I had loaned 25K and wouldn't loan more. Changed his number and threatened to file harassment charges if I asked anymore about the money he owed me. We had a lame promissory note-- that he'd pay me back when his mother dies (she was old, in a nursing home, and at the time had a trust worth about 650K.) When he dumped me and refused to talk, I filed a lawsuit. Used some savings, did what I could, worked more hours to afford the cost. We settled a year later for 11K immediately, (I later learned from the next victim that she maxed out her cards to pay it, because he yelled at her and of course, he doesn't work-- he's an "investor" and a BAD one at that... NO MONEY, I found out when he started borrowing). Anyway, my atty redid the promissory note stipulating guidelines for continued repayment of $1000/month at 10%. He then contacted me again and was so charming, I ended up loaning another 5K, (oh, and what an idiot I am, because I KNEW he had this girlfriend) with the same kind of promissory note. For 2 months, he paid back $1500/month. THEN he asked for another loan... $2500-- I had the girlfriend cosign. Little did I know she had no job... I did it because he would be friends with me... Paid me $1750 for two months... Then in January 2009 asked for $1000. I did, also at 10% and for 2 months he paid me $1800/month. THEN... he called crying and said he was BROKE and his GIRLFRIEND was mean and crazy (like I was when we were together) and he would do anything for me if I didn't sue him. I really wanted him to walk on hot coals but I settled for him helping out with my son (who was close to him when we dated for 3 years) and driving me to the airport (I travel a ton for my job, and even though my company pays, I figured I'd give him the .50/mile. We were friends for a long time. Hung out with me-- and according to HIM as long as his girlfriend didn't know about it, it was ok. We played tennis and ping pong. In Feb 2010 he wanted to move in with me... claimed it was really over w/her. Meanwhile, she and I had developed a relationship... she was filing bankruptcy--- he threw her into 61K of debt. I took him in, told him to liquidate all of his belongings, and then, after two weeks, told him it wasn't working (he was drinking and sitting around while I was working my tail off). He was PISSED. Went back to his apt., the girlfriend had already moved out, and slept on the floor. I felt bad and visited and stayed over. Gave him a contract for living with me with tons of rules and regulations. He balked. One of the conditions was to LOOK for work. Said he'd rather die. He said he'd get two roommates (2 bedroom apt) and stay at my place whenever he could. I said fine. Gave him an old futon of mine. THEN he goes BACK to his old girlfriend-- and severs contact with me. Told him I would sue him and he threatened bankruptcy and told me I'd be wasting my money. I tried getting in touch over and over, and like all other "victims", I cried and begged and pleaded. Not a word from him. I refiled the lawsuit. My atty filed for summary judgment. The sociopath missed his deposition in his atty's office. I located his mother's trust at a brokerage (hired an investigator) and learned there was now about 400K in it, and he was CObeneficiary-- wouldhave to split with his brother leaving him a hell of a lot less than the 500K he told me he'd get initially. THe court date was for FRIDAY DEC. 10.... On SUNDAY DEC 5, his sister in law calls me thinking I'm still with him and he's living with me. (He doesn't talk to his family). She proceeds to tell me that his mother died and the funeral would be MONDAY DEC 5-- could I get in touch with him-- she and his brother had been sending emails and calling, but he wasn't responding. I told her I couldn't contact him and why.... THE VERY NEXT DAY, MONDAY, DEC 5, my atty sends me a fax that Sociopath retained an attorney (he had been doing this prose), and wanted to SETTLE... we gave an amount which was fair-- included the balance on the loan, interest, penalties, legal fees... $35K... (He owed me at that point about 22K... AND HE SIGNED. HIS attorney realized that he was screwed, and said the trust money would be allocated to ME first, by March 10 2011, if I would stipulate a dismissal without prejudice. If any funds are distributed prior to March 10-- they go to me. He has a judgment from Capital One, and Iknow there are other creditors who want their money. I WON! He will most likely be left with about $120K after paying off everyone... and he thinks he'll build that into an amount that will support him the rest of his life. I beat him. He thought I would just go away and not do this.... More later...
Wow, you Won! That is great. You are another survivor. There are many sociopaths out there, more than we know. Congratulations on sticking to your guns and getting your money back. Take care!!
what is wrong with these men !!!!!!!!!!!!1
My husband is one of thease men. I'm leaving December 31st. I see now from reading all of your stories, that it will only get worse. We have been married for less than 2 years and I already feel like a shell of a women. This kind of man will take and take until you have nothing left to give, he will walk over your dead body, to his next victim. Enough is enough!
dotty1, I don't know what's wrong with people like that; all I know is that they apparently cannot change or be "saved."
Orange, be careful. These types become enraged and frustrated when their victim escapes, and sometimes become violent. Please be careful and best of luck to you!
wow, in the past hour i have found out everything i needed to know about sociopaths in everyday life. i have been trawling the net reading stories and articles, and its almost scary how familiar this all seems. i now know i dated a sociopath and it has been a terrible experience for me.
we only dated for 6 months, i thought he was special and different. he was intelligent and charming, not all that good looking, but oozing with magnetism. the sex was fantastic. it was like a rollercoaster ride, he would swing between being moody, critical and demanding,to passionate, romantic and loving. no wonder i got swept off my feet. i felt like i had met my soul mate.
then one day it all imploded on me, over some minor incident i was dumped. looking back i see that our relationship was destructive and damaging for me, but there would have been no telling me at the time. i tried to maintain contact with him, so smitten was i. he continued to toy with me for a few months, but unbeknowns to me he was sniggering behind my back, telling all of our mutual friends that i was a pathetic crazy girl who was pining for him.
it then imploded again, and this time he meant it. this is when he began waging a full scale character assasination on me. he started with outright bulling and personal attacks, then moved on to getting me effectively deleted from my own life. i realise now that as i was no longer useful to him, it would be convenient for him if i just disappeared. unfortunately i was not interested in complying. i tried to hang in there maintaining my friendships and life - it didnt work. he just kept upping the odds.
i now have very few friends left, i rationalise that at least i have good friends i can trust and he has been left with the shitty lame bastards who have little loyalty. his campaign of hate has worked and 9 months later, i am a total wreck.
the other difficult thing i find is that i cant seem to ever do the right thing, even seeing him in the street will bring on another round of hate mail and mud slinging from him. i feel utterly helpless and seriously consider moving away at times.
my good friends saw him for what he was immediately, because he was not interested in manipulating them - only me. i should have listened to them. he spent a lot of energy putting them down and trying to remove them from my life.
the sad and frustrating thing about this, is that i still have feelings for him. its quite sick. i have dreams about him and thinking about him arouses my passions all over again. i dont feel safe anymore and wonder how on earth i can move on from this.
I wish you the best, catydid. Sending positive thoughts your way.
First I feel a little out of place here with all the articles being about males, Guess I am the 1 per center with a female sociopath, but oh well here we go. We have been married almost 2 yrs. And it has been nothing but hell! In that time I’ve watched her loose custody of here 3 children do jail time on several occasions, constantly cheating on me, hell 1 time she even blatantly rubbed this guy in my face. She did herself in good this time though, She promised me she would quit with her bullsh$t and do right by me, I told her if she didn’t she better pray to God to stop the planet and let her off. Not even 6 days later she left me “AGAIN” 2 days before Christmas this time, no phone call no nothing (she’s a drug addict on top of it) after I paid a bunch of her fines, restitution, took her to the beauty salon to get her nails and hair done, I could see the attitude change almost immediately after we walked out of the salon. This time I was true to my word and typed a letter to her probation officer about her drug addiction, but after reading this I’m thinking nothing will help her not even drug intervention, oh well not my problem anymore.
Thanks for your comments, airck. Yes, there are definitely females with this condition; sadly I think I know one or two. Save yourself, that's really all you can do. I hope the best for you.
i blew off going to college and my scholarships because of someone like this. stupid i know... ugh never again.
Oh Alex, that is sad. Not stupid, just human. Lesson learned. Best of luck to you in the future.
well i have been with one for 2years! i always knew he had a severe personality disorder he had blamed it on being in jail! he used to lie cheat be extremely possesive want my money beat me ! he made everyone think i was crazy and isolated me then had sex with my so called friends and people i knew! he eventually found a new victim and got her pregnant well she is as stupid as him cus she assisted his lies! an was more than happy to let him be with me and be the bit on the side! i have now been rid of him two months and im soooo glad can finally start lving again and im thanking god that he has found a new victim!shes got money and he money oreintated so they will get on great!! i finally feel free now i know it was him with the problem all along and not me!lucky i escaped because i reckon he would of ended up killing me like he had always threatended!
So glad you escaped, sexybaybee! Steer clear of these types . . .
Wow, I feel like catydid...I learned that the guy I've been seeing for the last 9 months falls into the sociopath/covert narcissist category and like catydid I'm scared! I'm concerned that he could be outside my house or that he may try and ruin my business and/or reputation in the small town I live in. I discovered he was having an affair and called him on it, ended the relationship Friday night when he repeatedly lied. Since then he just keeps sending me crazy texts - blaming me of course for the way I found out - I'm not responding to him. I think that is probably making him even madder. Are these people capable of physical violence? It's sad, but I've got wood wedged at my doors so he can't break in...even disengaged and physically locked my garage door. This is crazy!
Oh my gosh, be careful! Sounds like you are. I wonder if you ought to call the police? Save the texts. Yes some (not all) of these types are dangerous. Please take care!!
Thanks Silva, I actually did call the police last night and they are doing drive-bys for me for the next few days. I'm saying a LOT of prayers - for myself and all of you...nobody believes that he's like this. And I feel SUPER bad for his estranged wife (or is she, secret life?). He's got everyone, including their 2 older children and her family believing she's lost her mind...I don't know that she has - I think he's done this to her!
Please be extra careful, especially leaving your house and re-entering your house. Think of what you can do to help ensure your safety. Can someone come stay with you? Can you leave and stay elsewhere for awhile? You know, when some woman I know finds a new man, and she begins to tell me what a b!tch his ex-wife is, I always take that with a grain of salt. Sometimes, often, the truth comes out and the ex-wife is not so bad after all; turns out she put up with a lot of grief before the divorce, and sometimes she's not an EX at all. Again, be careful and it would be much appreciated if you came back in here or emailed me to let me know you're okay.
What do you guys think about my definition? http://hubpages.com/hub/What-is-a-Sociopath
I think your definition is spot on. The saddest thing about this disorder is that apparently it is not treatable; a sociopath cannot and will not change.
I know of someone who matches ALL the signs of a sociopath,which is really scary to me.I'd like to know what others think and if I should warn others of him.
This guy told me he put rat poison in his grandmothers coffee"just to see what it would do" and laughed about it as he was talking.He told me he hears voices.He has been in a mental institution as a teen.He has mentioned in a serious conversation that he thinks he would like a labotomy.He has been on several prozac like drugs to no avail,including illegal drugs.His doctor actually diagnosed him as a sociopath with a 9 yr old personality.He has abused animals.He likes to instigate things for attention and he especially loves it if he can get two people to argue while he watches.He refers to his few friends with nicknames that are putdowns,aka baldy,schnozz,etc.He married a woman just to have a big house(she's successful,he only works part time jobs).He doesn't help with chores.He criticizes the wife to his "girlfriends on the side".He's a pathological liar,especially when it comes to getting out of trouble.He has drug issues.He insults everyone he meets.He has worked in the "adult business" of escorting.Even when he's in relationships that doesn't stop him from flirting and trying to get other women to sleep with him or go on trips with him.If caught doing anything wrong he cries crocodile tears.He freely admits he will do anything for money.He even said he would marry a gay man for money.He tries to pitt people against each other when caught or if it will benefit him.He talks about sick things like"sex with baby heads".He punched a pregnant ex girlfriend in the stomach to "help her lose the baby".He makes up lies about girls phone numbers,tries to cover up ahead of time and cries or threatens suicide if caught.He talks about conning restaurants and laughs at others expense,calls everyone a moron even though he never got past tenth grade.He mocks everyone and has zero sympathy for anyone,esp.children.He says he is turned off by women who have given birth.He always tries to physically change a new girlfriend/wifes looks;i.e."Will you dye your hair for me,you need plastic surgery..."He is pompous and boasts whenever he has money and always tries to outdo and make people jealous.He will ask a girls parents about their finances early on.He also will bring up having a joint checking account early on.He has bad credit;thousands in debt/double digits!His M.O. stays the same with each new girlfriend/wife.
That is truly frightening. The damage this person can and will inflict on everyone he comes in contact with is just horrifying. Only thing a person can do is stay out of his path.
I think I am married to a sociopath. We've been together for nearly 10 years now (married for over five of those years) with two adorable twin boys that I love dearly. He's done a great job of making sure that I believe that everything that has gone wrong with our marriage is my fault. He even stated to me today during a heated phone call that everything I do is wrong and he wants me to concede defeat. It's like he's trying to win a game? I don't get this. He is constantly externalizing blame on others. About a year ago he started to threaten physical abuse (though he never did--but the experience was very traumatic). He's always been emotionally abusive. And up until roughly 6 months ago he'd always been faithful. He began trolling the Internet for women and found a steady connection with a gal in an "open" relationship with another sociopath! We separated in late October for two months but decided to reconcile in late December under the condition that he end his relationship with this girl. Now he sits around all depressed because he's "bored" all the time. His emotions seem to shallow. He still has yet to apologize for being so hurtful to me and our children. In fact, I worry often about our boys as he is constantly snarking at them and trying to control them just like he does me. I want to leave him, but have to wait until the time is right. He's pretty volatile and I need to make sure that I have all my ducks in a row before I try to remove him from the home again. We are seeing a marriage counselor, but I have my doubts that it will do me any good. Will individual counseling even help him? All my research tells me to run for the hills. I want to love him, but I need someone who can love me back without looking for what he can get out of the deal. Best of luck to anyone else having to go through this difficult situation.
I feel so bad for you and your children. Unfortunately all the research indicates that counseling will not help or change a sociopath. I wish you the best.
sigh...i was in a relationship with a female socio path for over a year and a half. It has ruined my life and almost ended my career and my life. I had came back from iraq already depressed and was suffering and lonely. I was staying to myself because my heart felt numb and i had stayed single for years because of the betrayal in the past. I met a girl and she seemed real sweet and was always trying to get my attention even though i acted if i wasnt interested which i wasnt at first. We then hung out everyday and everynight. I would drive 45 mins after work to go see her when i had already worked about 12 hours in the bitter cold in germany. She seemed like she was the one showed me love and affection i had never felt before. It was still hard for me to fall in love but i did show her i cared and spent alot of time with her. I also got the sad stories of her upbringing and her dysfunctional family and how all her exes did her wrong. She also told me she only had 1 sexual partner and boyfriend in her life. I finally fell in love with her and everythign seemed perfect. 8 months later i had to leave back to the states and she said she would come since her father was half american and she was a citizen she did come there 2 months laterand we tried to start a life. We were about to get married and everything and i had cold feet and told her lets wait because of a crises i was already in where she showed me no support. something about her just didnt seem right but i couldnt figure it out. I started catching her in lies about a year into the relationship. I had already cut off everyone out of my life even fought with my family for her and stayed by her side. But slowly i started noticing things and i felt like she was a completely different person. By this time i was deeply in love with her and i felt like i was loving for the first time since my heard was so numb from the war. I felt like she was my world. We were supposed to move together but instead she moved 5 hours from me because of a job she said and her father who she said beat her needed her. So i waited like she said she never came....a year in i find out she was cheating i find pics of her kissing a guy and a guy calling me telling me to leave "his" girl alone. I just couldnt believe it. She lied to him about me making me such a bad boyfriend and said i cheated which i never did stayed faithful and honest always. Then she comes here a day after i find out begs me for a second chance grabs my leg cries her heart out tells me these sad stories and tries to make me feel bad like if it was my fault she cheated. She never acceped the blame and acted like if it wasnt abig deal like id get over it the next day. She kept swearing on her life and mine she never had sex with him. She even planned to move with me now so i fell for the trap because i loved her. She aborted my kids which hurt me dearly because i wanted kids and a family and cut me off wouldnt talk to me about the situation and told me it was her and her mothers decision. She called the police on me and lied..almost ended my career embarassed me in front of her friends her family my family even got violent and hit me grabbed a knife tried to stab me when i find out shes cheating again and i grab her phone. All this has just been too much even after a 2nd chance i help her get this new job which payed more she moves close to me on her own cuts me out starts talking to new guys n says she doesnt love me anymore..claims she was pregnant with me again kills the baby. I just havent been myself and im trying to get backm on track now i finally walked out on her 2 months ago after she kept acting messed up with me cheating lying and i find out she cheated with more guys than i knew. Even right after i left germany and everything was perfect she was crying ehr heart out when i left. When i walked out on her the last time i asked her look me in the eyes n tell me if u love me and she couldnt do that and i realized i must walk as far as i can or this girl will end up killing me. Last i found out she was still cheating on me with the guy from the summer and he said they are having a baby together i just couldnt believe it..just a month before that she had just aborted my kid i had thought. I had no control over this and she knew she had almost driven me to madness and i was sad n depressed everyday. It seemed like a game to her she would laugh about it. From then i knew she wasnt right in the head and she was playiing the other guys the same way she did me. I'd find out and try to tell them about her just to warn them but she had them fooled pretty good. Now im sitting here today still depressed and sad and still in love and just cant believe all this happened and i just dont know how to get over it. I hope you guys and girls didnt have it as bad as me. I am a strong individual been through many hardships in my life but this one has had to be the worst. I havent been myself in almost a year now and dont know how to be me again and be happy. I am even scared to talk to new girls now because of all the hurt i have suffered.
I am so sorry you have suffered this way. Thank you for your service to our country. Be careful and protect yourself. It's a scary world out there in many ways.
All I can say is when you find out someone is a sociopath, don't walk,RUN. It's like being within striking distance of a poisonous snake. Snakes don't consider who you have to live for before they take you down. And like a wild animal, the sociopath is wired to steal, kill and destroy. He will never love you back and you will be in love with a lie. You might think he loves you because he brainwashed you. Just know you're not the only victim, he read your personality and preyed on you. Go to therapy and read about others' experiences with sociopaths.
Everything you say is so true, Marion.
OMG! I lost a my husband in iraq 2 yrs before I met this man.Too good to be true is what I always thought.Now 2 yrs later, I am a good 15000 dollar poorer, lost a car and I can not count how many women there were besides me.When I finally lost my temper I am the the one who ended up in trouble after everything this man has done.He is a soldier to top it off and all his superiors are soo brainwashed into believing he is a good man.I always suspected he was sick but his mother confirmed the whole story.He is an alcoholic to boot which seems to be typical for these type of people.But even a week in jail and a DUI did not convince his boss and co workers that there is anything bad in him, he is that convincing.I know time will take care of my broken heart but he never will be a happy person so I can not even be mad. I just feel bad for him.
Glad you are out of the situation now! Poorer but wiser ... and a kind, compassionate woman.
thank you silva.I am not quite out of it as I have to go to court over HIM suing ME...it's all just wow!
Very good Hub and it has brought about the final nail in the coffin of the sociopath I once loved! Hard getting over it but "better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all". Nice to love someone but when the words "I'm sorry" aren't in the other person's vocabulary because they are void of empathy for the person they supposedly love - we are SOL!
Tom, I thought I responded to you four days ago; I'm sorry! Just happened to check in here and saw that your comment hadn't been approved yet. I don't know what happened. I hope things improve for you now. You are so right about the words "I'm sorry" not being in their vocabulary.
Wow! How true are your stories! Without my faith in God I would have married a man I was with for five years! Still want to BEL
Wow! How true are your stories! Without my faith in God I would have married a man I was with for five years! Still want to Beleive he is a good man, but he is not! He had not seen me since wwe dated in highwo school! 40 years! Immediatly wanted to marry me! Was married getting divorce. Not true, wife found out an then she divorced him! He had other affairs I found out later! Somehow has lied thru out an has a way to make me feel badly for him! After she divorced him he made up all kinds of awful things about her! He lies, but somehow it is hard to catch! Lies over little things even! Loves all the attention.Talks badly about each person you like, or tries to make their flaws bigger so its all you focus on! Before you know it you r isolated, an no friends, life crumbling, an he my sociopath boyfriend has someone gotten ahead in every way! He mimics every word, sentence, inflection of my voice! Adopts your lifestyle, an starts telling u back your Aoown stories as if they were his! An states they were! He becomes defensive aAn angry if dgnqaconfronted about lying and especially if wants to be somewhere will cause a fight! I have felt something wrong, an over time his so called love doesn't match his words, he is ededdddddangry an irritable most the time! He made it back up to a good salary using me as his " way of new things to say to others! " He was more me than I was! He has talked about money an savings, an getting a house together! He to has bad credit! Trying to build it back up! Everything is my fault, an I'm always saying I'm sorry! I use to buy an do alot for him, now. My strengths he tries to my weakness! I had good self esteem, now I have None! Everything is everybody else's fault. He charms everyone with my words an he is very sexual. Makes you think you are his everything! Has a photogenic memory. Everything is a game! He loves drama! He has about destroyed me! But sites like these r. A blessing! I have two children an he tried to turn me on them gradually! Life is miserable with him an without him! I miss him all the time nnow that I just broke up for the. 100th time! He says in an evil way, ill never let go. All the while cheating on me an lies! I could go on an on! But with prayer an lots of it an these sites I realized. What I was dealing with! I have health issues now also! But I held onto my faith an these sites over an over! When he is not charming for the world to see, he is aloof an like a shell, an stare! An gets a smirky smile! Always looking at ggirls, but says he is not! I could go on an on but I wont! THANKYOU for all of you! I could never had broken it off , lost my family, an money, an self worth! Like many I will always love him, an miss him! Its hard to BELEIVE! Especially with the havoc he caused an destruction in my life! To anyone who even thinks dating one, please get out, it only gets worse! They will take your life an make you think you are the crazy crazy one! Pray alot! Read these posts an get distance! Somehow they can brainwash you an manipulation is there game for there gain! I've had trouble type Ingram, so excuse errors! This. Man I thought I knew years ago was not who I thought! I'm glad even though hurt an he has tried to isolate. Me, an somehow climb to the top of this job, an be successful while I've lost friends, money, an too many things to count, its still my fault! Ladies he started out with " I need a lifeline! He even took on reading the Bible, an my faith! But it was memorized an shallow! The list goes on so ill stop! Get out now before you an all you love are destroyed! They don't love you! God bless all you survivors! May God give you everything back that your sociology stole from you, plus more!
Sherry, what an incredible and heart-rending story! All the best.
Dear all,
I am so glad to hear your stories, it gave me the strength to write mine and to warn others of the damage that a sociopath will bring to your life. Mine was a friend of mine and a work collegue. He picked me when I was at my lowest, I was on the rebound. He haD secretely memorised EVERYTHING about me, from quotes, to outfits I had worn years ago, my favourite colour, word, etc... I guess I was an easy prey to study since we had been friends for a few years!! I thought it was romantic, cute and that indeed it showed his interest in me. How wrong I was, during our relationship (more or less a year), we d brake up and make up constantly. He would be irritable and depressed at times, loving the next etc.. Like a hot/cold shower. Kept me on my toes! And it worked, I fell more and more in love with this man I trusted and was always faithful to, when he, behind my back was still with his ex-(they have a child together), and said he d told her about me when he never.. He d hide his phone and would always have it on silent mode, calls from people would come up with just numbers (no names). I never checked, because I wanted to trust him, I knew the moment I checked that it meant I could no longer trust/believe in him and could not live a life in a relationship where trust is gone. When we d argue he would say that i couldn t understand, no matter hiw much love or compassion i tried to show him never seemed to help. When confronted with his compulsive lying (he admitted to it), he d always blame everything on his mental illness (?), his medication (+ drinking spirit and smoking 'incense'), his past (difficult childhood) etc. Soon after the kissing would stop, so did the gifts and the attention. I felt worthless, ugly, unattractive, no matter how pretty I tried to be for him. He made me feel like I was the worst b&@£ in the world, and that the problem was all me and my demands, my 'dramas'. Nearly two years on, a fiancé, a beautiful baby, I still have my heart in my mouth whenever I see him... I know he I sick and to leave was the best I could do. When I think or dream about him it still hurts as much, because he s still around and he s walking around with a grin on his face because HE KNOWS I still feel, and he enjoys seeing me like this. I think these men are like a drug, so charming, interesting and clever they do make you feel like life s dull without them but it s all a lie, one big messy lie and
if you do get tangled in their web they ll make it their mission to OWN you. Mind still haunts my dreams, my mind and to some extend, my soul. I am currently trying to move away with my wonderfull new little family, as I can only see this is the only way I can ever get away properly. Ps, one thing he d used to do too, say that convince me that I liked something when he wanted me to wear it, (example, I d always wear a bright red nail varnish and he d convinced me that the cherry dark colour was the one that I liked!).
He was also very sexual, but if he did not want sex and i tried to innitiate it, i would be confronted to 'you only want me for sex'... Once I badly bled and was in pain after sex and whilst I was on my side holding my belly he did nothing to comfort me. He also did say he never felt remorse for cheating on his ex-girlfriend, (even though she s been a great person to him and a great mother to their child). I guess I should have seen that he was more than a bit of a rebel, bad boy and that something was seriously wrong with him... But with his incredible wit, charm, attention to detail, talent and all the rest, he did sweep me off my feet by becoming my IDEAL MAN (physically and mentally) without me even noticing the changes he had in fact changed himselft temporarily whilst he had stripped me off ALL of my confidence and self esteem. To all of you men and women out there who ve been conned by such sociopath, my heart goes to all of you.
Faith, thank you for your story. He sounds like a classic. I am beginning to believe there are many more sociopaths in our society than we even imagine. Sometimes they wear such a convincing mask that we are totally caught in their web without warning.
Thank you for your reply. One more thing I must add is that to those who are not aware yet THESE PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS. They can flip at anytime, god knows what they ate capable of, since they go not feel remorse or empathy... I know for a fact that he cannot stand me being 'the one who got away', cannot stand the fact that he can no longer emmotionally bully me. I know that going back to work in the same business wasn fear for mine and my family s safety (we are moving away soon).
And thanks to sites like these and comments from others, it has given me the strength to stand up to him now, and helped open my eyes more to the while situation. I hope my story helped some of you too :) thank you Silva X.
I like the way you put this hub together. Devil's advocate, I think all in all they are just people. They deal with their problems in the way that life experiences have taught them to deal with them. Good or bad, its what it is. My personal opinion is that I'm sure we all can find some of those qualities within ourselves. I read the list on the sister hub and I can find a MINIMUM of two of those aspects in everyone I know. Oh Yeah! Thank you for the good read, it made me think.
JR, good comments! I think we need to check ourselves often. Thanks.
Wow... I am so thankful I stumbled upon this site... I have been involved with a sociopath (just learned that is what he was from my therapist) for 6 years. I have allowed him to destroy my life - my marriage, my finances, my mental and emotional health and most of all my ability to trust anyone especially myself. I won't even get into all the stories I could tell, but after reading through all these stories he fits all of them and more! I would still be involved with him today if he hadn't moved on to his next victim ... probably because I could no longer help him financially, had been pressuring him to get psychological help and he got more sympathy from her.
I am just praying that I have the strength to stay away from him long enough to put myself together and get my self esteem back to move on. It is so scary how a sociopath can turn a very intelligent, stable person into a shell of a human being who feels they have nothing left to live for.
Getting my life back and living a happy, successful life without him will be my ultimate revenge. Afterall ... we've all learned we will never be enough for a sociopath and we cannot change them. There is NO love or future with a sociopath!
Wow, Rose, I am sending positive thoughts your way. Stay strong and take care. As that old saying goes, "Living well is the best revenge," and I believe that to be true.
Thank goodness for this site!! I recently realized that all those little things, like him hitting his dog, or bashing a fellow car door when he got into his car, or asking me to move in but pay most of the rent (I didn't), or him wanting a threesome with another girl to "use and throw away" -ick, or the little comments disguised as jokes used to make me subservient and doubtful about myself....yes....the asking for cash, the complaint that his former wealthy girlfriends never invested in his dreams....wow...I am not insane. I did the right thing, I know now that me finding him cheating was the next logical step because N's get bored easy and are self-gratifying. Oh, and about that...I didn't orgasm for 1.5yrs, but when I cut down the oral to match the level of orgasms...*poof* he cheated. Nothing about me, all about him. When his kid moved out, was sick of the beating, yelling, blame and abuse...I should've run too. When he kept coming back, I should have stopped at the start.
I am not nuts, thank you for helping me to realize that and by having the site, help me to let him go. :-))
Tammy, you are lucky; you escaped! Don't look back! Good luck in your future endeavors.
I am not alone! I was involved with a sociopath for a year. I have known him since high school but we had lost touch for years. Then one day he added me on a certain social media site. Well it didn't take him long to start chatting me up. He was in an unhappy relationship with his now ex and mother of his 2 children and she was so cruel and cold to him...blah,blah,blah. It took him about a month and he was working in roaming me. He made me feel like the most special and loved woman in the world. Well he left his ex(actually I found out later she kicked him out because SUPRISE..sheccaught him cheating) and then it got worse. He loved me and wanted me to move to another city in another province to be with him. Like a fool I did..l loved him so much. And he had me convinced we were soulmates. Well once I got there his facade cracked pretty much immediately..I caught him in all the stupid lies, and the stable of women he had been romancing...it was like going from paradise to Hell in an instant. Long story short I am now back in my home town and completely broken, emotionally, financially and mentally. I don't think I will be able to love or trust again and he moved on instantly...i left in May and he has had 3 girlfriends since then...more if you count the women he has online. I just want this pain to stop!
Miztc73, as you say, you are not alone. I am sorry for your troubles yet glad you are free from the abuse. It will take time to rebuild your life. Good luck in the future. I am sending positive thoughts your way.
What a piece of work these people are.I was involved with a guy for 14 months.He texted me , called me nonstop until i agreed to meet with him. I was on cloud 9 - i couldn't believe that i had met someone so wonderful.But soon enough my world came crumbling down - after i had invested so much in this relationship , i realized every single word was a lie.He was a serial liar and a cheater but i felt like i was not good enough for him. All the pieces of the puzzle never did fit with this guy , but i ignored all my gut instincts and i could not live without him. after breaking up and making up more times than i can remember, i finally got out and it's been 5 months now and i'm ok. I will survive and have an awesome life without him and his lies. Not to say there aren't bad days - there are - when i question myself on how could i have let someone so cheap and such a lowlife into my life -? someone who only took and took and and couldn't give in return.But i chalk it up to experience and that we need these people to show us how good and decent we are and not to let someone of their calibre dull our shine. Life your life to the fullest and do your best for everyone around you and you will recover and triumph.
I have spent the past 7 years of my life with one of these guys. I was dooped by him right from the word go. I got all the my ex wife is such a pathetic pathological lier routine. She did this to me she did that to me. And I fell for it. I spent 7 years trying to prove to this moron that I loved him. I have been manipulated, conned, verbally abused, emotionally abused, financially abused, mentally abused and physically abused by this monster. I have tried being his friend and he abused me that way also. These type of guys cannot have you as a lover or a friend they will take advantage of you either way.
I went through all times of getting flowers and cards everytime he messed up. I fell for it over and over. Then the flowers and cards stopped coming and it became an manipulation game with him. Telling me that I need to go get councelling. So I did. About 10 times. And my councellor told me. Girl it is not you. It is him. This was hard to believe since everytime he would worm his way back in and I ended up being the one to apologize to him and tell him that I would change. Problem was I couldnt figure out what I needed to change. Till now. The change I needed was to get out of this relationship and move on and heal myself.
Amy, I love that phrase about not letting someone like that "dull our shine." It is a sad thing, what sociopaths do to the rest of us, and to themselves as well. Just imagine how much better their lives would be if they used their abilities to build up instead of tear down. Unfortunately it is their nature to eventually tear down the others in their lives and move on to new victims. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.
Addictedtoasociopath, they are so adept at concocting the same tired old story, about how their ex did them wrong. They do it in such a way to cause their new love try to ease the pain, to "fix it" and show them that not all people are like that, and that they can learn to trust again. Their new victim plays right into their hands and it's an ugly cycle that plays over and over again. I'm glad your counselor was smart enough to pin the rose on him. Glad you're out of that situation and are moving on. Best of luck to you.
I have come to the realization that my boyfriend was a sociopath, or at least an expert manipulator and emotional abuser. I met him online and when we first started talking, he seemed too good to be true. We had the same values, he was charming, he was going to give up his life for me to move to CA and grow marijuana and make all our dreams come true. When he moved out here, he did not take initiative to get a job. I continued working full time and this was an issue between us - he'd always say it was MY fault for not being happy in the situation, there was no need for him to get a job, almost like I was being cruel for wanting him to work! We moved an hour away from my family and friends to be closer to my job, and he stayed home all day on the internet. I would confront him about flirting with girls online, I'd see what he typed right as he was doing it, and he'd deny talking to them or flirting with them. Finally I gave up on trying to get him to get a job, and I gave up on his internet life - I let him convince me that WE were real and the internet was not.
I woke up one morning after going to bed earlier than him the night before. Like all day every other day, I had an insecure, fearful feeling. I wondered what he'd been doing after I went to sleep the night before. After jumping through some hoops on his computer (this was all well hidden) - I discovered that he'd been having webcam sex on a site. I also discovered a secret email address where he'd been posting and replying to craigslist ads for sex from men AND women!
When confronted with this, he blamed me for snooping, blamed me for getting upset. He told me I had no right to be upset, this was a deep dark secret and how dare I uncover it. I went two weeks blaming myself, trying to be the best girlfriend I could, and he didn't do anything differently. Finally I told him it was a deal breaker, and unless he got counseling and tried to change and rebuild trust, I was done. He threw a tantrum, guilt tripped me, pushed me, threw objects in the house, etc. It took him two days to communicate with me at all, and when he did, it was through email. He guilt tripped me that he had nothing, and that I needed to get out. Then he changed his tune and said he would move, and everything in the house was mine. I said that was good, keep me updated, and I expressed how devastated and hurt I was. I begged him to show me I was worth it to him to change. He didnt address any of his lies or changing, he just continued to try and manipulate me.
I came home 2 days ago - all his things were gone, the marijuana grow room that I invested over $5k in cleared out, the truck given to me by my father gone. It is apparent how easy it was for him to up and leave me, without even saying goodbye! His only purpose for staying in contact with me through email was to manipulate me. But now he has what he wants, so I'm convinced I'll never hear from him again.
It's hard to question all the good memories, to question who I THOUGHT he was. I'm trying to decipher what's real and what's not. I am trying to let go of blaming myself for his behavior, for not being enough to change him. Now he's living with his friends and I wonder if they'll ever see him for who he truly is. Will karma ever get him? He's made it clear he doesn't care what happens to me so I guess I shouldnt care what happens to him either.
Hey Silva, great blog. To everyone who has suffered at the hands at a sociopath I say count your lucky stars that you've wized up, and moved on and away from a constant draining stream of negativity.
I was involved with a sociopath for a couple of years and recently ended the relationship. The constant demands for money etc was just too much, and I kept feeling negatively about myself while in his presence.
There was nothing I could do to get him to appreciate me. The hugs and kisses stopped. Last year he broke up with me saying that he didn't want me etc.
But this year, I took the bold decision to cut him out of my life for good and get away. Now all my friends are saying that my face looks brighter etc. I don't feel drained anymore, because my inner happiness he tried to extinguish has returned.
sweetsher, what good news that it's over and your light has returned. It's amazing that there are so many of them out there, many more than the experts estimate. I am happy for you.
I think I may be in love with a sociopath.. Since we met it has been intense and after a few weeks together we were separated by countries for 6 weeks in that time we spoke everyday for hours and it was loving but mostly he displayed jealousy and I spent most of the conversation proving my faith and love, after 6 weeks we were reuntited and it was great but something didn't sit right with me and one day through complete randomness I used his computer and he was still signed in, I found messages from many other girls throughout the 6 weeks apart and when I confronted him I simply was upset that he had said we should wait for each other, I didn't mind that he had been with other girls as we had really just met but that he had lied about it and broke my trust. He begged and cried for me not to leave him and that he would never have done it if he believed that I loved him and truth was I didn't want to leave him. And so I spent the next year insecure and paranoid with a crazy jealous boyfriend that isolated me from everyone and changed my personality so much I didn't recognize myself every girl I met I would wonder what their relationship was and everyguy I met I or already had in my life as friends I couldn't talk to without having him get into a jealous rage. I would find messages in his phone or email that would be deleted and he would say it wad all in my head when I started going crazy begging for the truth he would turn to abuse, it was a given that I would always be wearing bruises so much so that my friends stopped noticing. After so long with this I actually did start to think I wad crazy and attempted suicide, it didn't work and instead if him caring for ne he went out all night and a later found out that he was calling everygirl that he could " just as friends" I finally fled through intervention from my friends and family but I didn't want to go and now it's been 5 weeks and I an still devasted! I still for some reason feel I could have done things different and kinda wish I hadn't left I still hear from him everyday from psycho love messages to death threats to miss you baby and I try to ignore them but I still love him.. He tells me he hasn't been with anyone else but our friends tell me different then I receive messages like just had a 3some with 2 hot girls! Then the next day how sad and lonely he is, he is constantly blaming me it's all my fault we didn't work because I snooped into his "private life" and I hard no right to do that. He comes to my country in 5 weeks and do not know what to feel some part of me wants to go back to him but I'm trying to be smart, any advce you could give to turn myself off this person would be greatly appriated. It does'nt seem fair that I am suffering so much having to rebuild myself all over again while he just goes out with a different woman every week and then if he comes and waltz back into my life I just don't know what would happen. I feel desperate for some strength now.
Rafni..............DON"T DO IT
I am struggling to accept the fact that I am in love with the kingpen of sociopaths and just had his baby 4 months ago. I just went to live with my mom I'm 23 dating a married bit split up 32 year old who has 2 possibly 3 children other than my newborn. I've been isolated and alone because I. I was convinced that I need to respect my man and not see any of my friends because they are not good enough pol. I could go one forever I feel trapped be cause I love him and our baby b. My sister has told me he is a sociopbut not until recently when he locked me out of my house and kept my baby from me all night I breastfeed very painful and engorged I Google's what a sociopath is I was devasted because he fits every aspect but made the mistake in trying to tell him and help him. I need advice and support because I am in love with a sociopath.
Rafni and Lostsoul, please find the strength to keep away from these destructive individuals. Lostsoul, put your baby first. These relationships sound so negative for both of you. Stay strong.
Three years ago I met this girl at a party. I was instantly drawn to her because she was hot, I waited outside the house for her ride to come get her. We talked for a little and then her ride came. The next day she somehow got my number and texted me. I don't know why I didn't give it to her, I'm a pretty shy person. Over the course of the next few months we talked a lot and I felt a strong bond toward her, but she had a boyfriend. They were on and off and seemed to have an extremely complicated relationship. However, It wasn't long before our secret relationship became sexual despite her having a boyfriend. Before it turned sexual I quickly developed really strong feelings for her. She convinced me the feelings were mutual but her boyfriend "would not let her brake up with him." After a while they broke up and me and her began talking.
We talked for a few weeks and it was like a dream come true for me. I had really strong feelings for her and could not wait to ask her to be my girlfriend. Everything was great until morning she text me apologizing saying that she had slept with he ex the night before. She claimed she didn't want to and that it wasn't her fault. My heart got broken that day and she decided she didn't wanna talk to me anymore. This made no sense to me because our relationship seemed so perfect, so real.
I got over it and moved on until she began talking to me again a couple months later. We again started sneaking around behind her boyfriends back. But it was not a sexual thing it was more of a love connection, or so I had thought. We would hang out at her house watch movies, cuddle and talk very frequently. Still she stressed how she couldn't get out of her relationship even though she really wanted to be with me. After this bullshit went on for a year, I fell in love with her and basically was her dude on the side waiting patiently and pathetically.
Me and her were both juniors in high school and her boyfriend was about to graduate. He graduated and went away to college hoping to keep his relationship with her. She dumped him when he was away at college and me and her were together 24 7 while he was gone. Less than a month later we started our own relationship. It was amazing and I tried to be the best boyfriend possible. She quickly gained control over me and took me away from all my friends. I didn't really notice her intentions at the time. I did however have this feeling in my gut that she was cheating on me. I accused her several times of cheating and she swore she wasn't and I wanted to believe her so much that I did regardless of my gut feeling that she was lying to me.
Three months into the relationship In which I was completely controlled by this girl, we were at a party and this kid called her cell phone while it was in my possession. I flipped out asked him if he was in contact with my girlfriend on a regular basis. He proceeded to being a smartass so I went to his house to beat the shit out him. He hid in his house and I talked to his brother telling him to relay a message to him basically threatening him. I went back to the party and my girlfriend was pissed so I went home. The next morning she came over and I went through her phone she had a conversation with the kid and halfway through the rest of the conversation was erased.
I was angered by this and demanded she tell me why she erased the rest of the conversation and what was said. She ridiculously tried telling me that she did not erase anything. I tried to reason with her and told her very straightforward that all I wanted was the truth and that if she admitted to erasing it we could work things out. Guess what.. She continued to lie which boggled my mind. I had no clue as to why she would lie when it was clear that telling the truth would have served her better. I immediately realized she had a lying problem and started realizing that she had lied before and my dumbass believed her because I wanted to believe her because I loved her.
I started looking into compulsive lying and thought I had figured out the issue. I told her sh needed to get help and that I would support her and help her through it. She actually did admit to having a lying problem but blamed it on her ex boyfriend. She agreed to get help knowing we didnt have the money to make that happen. I kept researching about liars, compulsive lying, etc.. Until I stumbled upon a page about sociopaths. It was clear that she had this disorder and I was in a state of shock about the truth which I had just learnt. I broke up with her but continued talking to her. After hanging out with her and studying her behavior and her reactions/views on things it was incredibly revealing. I felt stupid for not realizing it.
My heart being completely shattered by a love that was never even real. It was all a lie, an act. Despite reading how to handle this type of situation, because I did plenty of research on this topic, I didn't stay away from her. I felt a need for revenge, I wanted to hurt he the way she hurt me even though I knew this was impossible. I called her out on everything, called her a sociopath gave her all my reasoning, left it all on the table. She told me I was crazy and how much she loved me and just wanted to be with me. I started seeing the evil in her, it was bone chilling and extremely scary.
I made attempts to get away from her but somehow I could fight myself long enough to do so. Over the past month I have had complete control over her and made her buy me me an outrageous amount of things and she did. I now have really bad anxiety and I probably suffer from depression. It's really bad and I wish I would have just got out when I learned the truth.
I feel like writing this whether anybody reads I or not gives me a certain degree of closure. I hope to god that typing this gives me the strength to move on and to let go. and for anyone who knows a sociopath and has been hurt by one I feel your pain. And it's the worst feeling in the world. If you find out someone you are dating is a sociopath get the fuck out. Thanks for reading.
Stealth, you and this girl are not good for each other. You are right to get out of the relationship. Love is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, a pleasure and a joy, and your partner should respect you and lift you up, just as you should do the same for her. Hope you find what you are looking for.
Great response on this one which is no surprise. Very good breakdown on sociopaths Silva. A bit eerie to know slightly over one in a hundred people have this awful condition. Read somewhere lately that researchers have finally found a missing chemical or maybe it was a gland, in them. Knew one in a friends family once that destroyed his marriage, stole everything from relatives he could get his hands on etc etc. He was more overt rather than the usual covert though. Thats true, once one always one, but lets hope in future there will be a cure.
We can always hope for a cure; that would truly be a miracle. I read that some experts think it stems from a chemical imbalance, while others believe there is something missing from a sociopath's makeup, and you can't replace something that was never there in the first place. I just know from a lifetime of observation that when one encounters a sociopath, the only thing to do is put distance between oneself and them. Trying to provide enough love, money, attention and compassion to make them better is futile. So sad. I also think there are many more sociopaths in our society than estimated. I am amazed at the response this hub has generated. Thank you for the visit and the comment, Mr. Packer.
I have a baby with a sociopath. We met in one state, I moved home to be with my family (after he treated me horribly throughout my pregnancy), then later he moved to another state and convinced me to move down. He started lying right away and completely ignoring us, although he'd barely seen his child.
Within 20 days, I moved back to be with my family. I wish that was the end. But in another month, I was offered a job where he was that I'd applied for when I was there. I took it. In ways it's been a good thing...because I finally figured out what he is and that he's hopeless.
He has left my child and I completely alone. He has not seen her in nearly 4 months. He refuses to help pay for anything. He did give me NEARLY half of what daycare cost the 2nd month I was here, but he also lost his job for do some "shady" stuff. I found out from his bosses he made a TON of money...he is lying and saying he's broke and had to hock a TV to get me what little he did. I have to file child support on him and I'm scared shitless to do it. He has threatened to make my life hell if I do. Mind you, I have seen him once for about 10 minutes the 2 months I've been back here. But I know he KNOWS that am planning to file and I know he KNOWS that I know he is lying about not having any money. I feel like he is laying low, waiting for the opportune moment to destroy my reputation, stalk me, kill me...scared the living shit out of me. I fear for myself and my daughter, but I also just can't let his responsibility slide. I plan on collecting as much as I can and moving out of state within a year. To freak me out more...his ex-employers have just made me aware that he recently bought an unlicensed gun.
Gretchen, what a terrible situation. Of course your child's safety and your own safety are the most important factors here. I wonder, what kind of support (financial, emotional) can your family offer you? Personally, I would leave the area and forget about child support if it were me. The child's father sounds dangerous and doesn't seem that he will be a father to the baby in terms of love and support and guidance. Good luck, Gretchen, stay safe.
hi new to this site dont know what to do i am 56 i fell inl ove with a beautiful woman who is 61. We set up home together and she has 3 kids all grown up, it was fantastic for 4 months but she got through my money like there was no tomorrow. I had to wind the purse strings in and it started to go sour, she used her obsession with her kids until it got that bad her and her daughter virtually forced me out. I have been trying for 14 weeks to put this right but i have seen another side to her she has hurt me so many times, i sleep rough she has a 4 bed house i wanted to go home but she has just punished me to the point i felt like killingmyself my health is bad and my head is a mess and my heart is broken, yet i still love her more than anything. she fits the description of a sociopath to the letter she is a compulsive liar and i believe she has been unfaithful. Her tales of abuse and rape by her husband i believe now to be lies. I am ruined finacialy and ruined emotionally is there a chance i have set her up in a home while i am homeless and i keep clinging, i jut cant get her out of my head, i did everything for them all of them but she is so cold and calculating i want her back but she just keeps hurting me is there a chance or do i have to face the fact that she does not love me now if she ever did.
She told me last week i was just her bit on the side and she does not love me, this has broke my heart, should i just walk away otr keep fighting.
I think you know the answer. Salvage what you can of yourself and your money and get out of this situation. You know it will not improve. You have had the misfortune to become involved with a classic example of what we've been discussing here. I am sorry for your troubles.
I do just wonder how long it will take to get her out of my system i feel i will never have it in me to love again, sounds pathertic i know but thats how it feels , thanks for the advice
The passage of time will help. Guard your heart and I hope you do meet someone someday who will be able to return your love.
I met a girl this past summer who was 20 years younger than me but SWORE that she was attracted to me and that I was her type. She even showed me a picture of her sister with her silver-haired husband, Joseph, to illustrate how both she and her sister had a thing for older guys to ease my skepticism. She had a 4 year old daughter and told me she was not getting any support at all to help raise her. She was beautiful, smart, charismatic, attentive, loving and everything I ever wanted in a woman. One day out of the blue, she tells me her father needs brain surgery and that she has to take a job in a strip club where she could make $1,000 a night to pay for his operation! I told her that I could not be in her life if she took that job, and I wasn't trying to stop her - I didn't want her resenting me if her father died. Besides, why wasn't anyone else in her family doing anything to raise money for her father??? I found out that was a total lie. The last night we spent together walking around my neighborhood she cried and begged me not to leave her due to her taking this job as a stripper, was capped off by me putting her in a cab and sending her back to her place. A few days later, a friend who once met her tells me he saw her get out of that same cab ONE BLOCK LATER, crying and talking on her cellphone that Saturday night. A few minutes later he saw some guy pull up in a car, get out and kiss her, and drive off with her! Never saw her again and any attempt to contact her was ignored. I have since found out so many lies about her FROM HER OWN FAMILY!!! They know what she is! I was heartbroken because I wanted to believe all of the lovely things she said to me but I realize it was all a set-up to take me for as much money as she possibly could. Friends have told me I was lucky to get out after only 2 months!
Such a sad story, tragic for everyone, you, her, her family ... your friends are right; you are lucky. Just imagine what she is missing out on, because she cannot feel human emotions and experience a real relationship based on love and respect. What a tragedy.
Sociopaths make up 1-4% of the population of the entire world....so how is it possible for everyone to "know one?" Perhaps web sites like these provoke people to go too far and label everyone they've ever known who has "done them wrong" in the past as a "sociopath?"
I have read most of the comments. Sounds so familiar to me with my boyfriend. My friend been living with me for the last 6 years. It's been downhill........ Everything he hides, won't give me his cellphone number when I do get it. He doesn't answer calls unless I call from a different number. My lists goes on to hundreds of situation. My question is how do you leave. Where does the strength comes to let go and move on. I have tried many times and the pain hurts so much with him not being here. I know he is not good he is a taker doesn't help with anything and it's not even sex. He can care less about that.
Hi, Anon, thanks for visiting. It's my opinion that the figures of 1 to 4 percent of the population are wrong. There are many people in the general population who fit the profile yet do not break the law and are never diagnosed. I happen to know one myself. The person I refer to would never go for therapy because they would never admit there's anything wrong with them.
Serenity. You know you deserve better. Similar to my reply to someone else on this thread: you and this person are not good for each other. You should consider getting out of this relationship. "Love is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, a pleasure and a joy, and your partner should respect you and lift you up, just as you should do the same." Serenity, maybe you could sit down and really give this some thought and make a list of reasons to stay with this person and reasons to go. I hope this turns out well for you.
I thought at her age 61 5 years older than me she would have welcomed a relationship where i thought the world of her but it appears she thrives on deciet and pain that she has dished out.Such a shame i still love her so much but it looks as though the best thing is to move on, thanks for the advice doesn't make it any easier but at least i tried to give her the best life ever.
People with this type of personality disorder have a void that can never be filled. If you were a billionaire and gave her every material thing she could possibly want, she would still not be satisfied. If you give her more love and devotion than anyone ever had before, she would eventually betray you in some way. That is the nature of a sociopath. Her age is irrelevant. As you say, the best thing for you to do is to move on. I wish you the best of luck.
Well since we have parted and it was the most horrific and heart breaking time i have ever had she has vanished the house seems occupied but now i am finding out so many things, she has massive debts, credit cards loans. she was even commiting acts that will land her in serious trouble. I had no idea she was like this she has moved home 12 times in the last ten years, it is frightening she has to keep moving. She has now been seen with her ex husband one of many i have now found out about. This will be the 5th time she has been back to him yet he is an alcoholic and i know that, the stuff about him raping her and beating her must be false why would a woman go back to someone like him, yet dump me the man who loved her like i have never loved a woman before who got her the house furnished it told her everyday how beautiful she was, i just dont get it i know you have explained but i see no sense in leading such a sordid life when she could have had everything she ever wanted.Is there some fascination to leading this life, now she is in big trouble and will be on the move again to dodge her past which is quickly catching up on her. Still love the woman i must be out of my mind.
You ask if there is some fascination to leading this life, and the answer is, For her, yes. People with this disorder thrive on drama, and will twist anything straightforward in order to create and maintain drama. You will never see any sense to this life she creates for herself, never. The only thing you can do to save yourself is to remove yourself physically, emotionally, financially, in other words, in every way, from this person and her chaotic destructive life. I know it's hard and it doesn't help to hear me say it, but you know it's true. I repeat; you will never see any sense to this life she creates -- you play by the rules and she doesn't.
Thank you i realise after more disturbing news today, yes i am out of it i still love her how can one border on despise and near hatred for what she has done yet still love her more than i have ever loved a woman before it is crazy and by god it hurts thank you for your advice
Silva, thank you so much for your kind words and understanding regarding my posting 11 days ago. Your comments to all of our posts/situations help everyone here. Oldsilky, I am sorry to read about your ordeal. I empathize with you and hope that time will give you the strength to move past the pain this person caused you. I, myself, go through feeling sadness, anger, and even worrying about her (and her daughter!) - yet I guarantee you that I am a long forgotten and distant memory by now in her mind...
I, myself, go through feeling sadness, anger, and even worrying about her (and her daughter!) - yet I guarantee you that I am a long forgotten and distant memory by now in her mind...
Frank that is ironic it is how i feel still worry about her and her children yet she has now disposed of me as she would taking out the rubbish for collection, as you say i am a distant forgotten memory apart from the fact that everything she has now was down to me. She once said that she got up every morning looked at everything i had provided and thought about me, in what way i ask.
Thank you for your kind words Frank it does not get any easier at the moment it hurts and i cry almost everyday over her, i need to get my act together, good luck all of you
Bob
The only way to heal from this tragic and traumatic experience is to stay away from them, maintain no contact as possible because once they know they still have the power over you they will manipulate you. That is how they are. Reading all your posts make me cry. We all got involved with people who did not support our growth but rather destroyed us. We might have stumbled but it is not too late to lift ourselves up. We are blessed because we have the gift of love and it is the greatest gift but the psychopaths can never have the life that we have. They live a very miserable existence. I guess if we bear that in mind we will be able to heal day by day.
For one year I was involved with a psychopath. The happy, smart, confident woman literally vanished. I would have never expected that I would be on antidepressant in my life. We started as friends but there were already signs that I ignored. He lied about his job, his race, where he came from. He was in a relationship but still pursued me. He targeted me cause I was a virgin. His disappearing acts, silent treatment, emotional abuse. He used me for sex but I was blindly in love. I still treated him nicely after everything but it is time to wake up. Sometimes the only way to bring back our old selves is to cut off that negativity which is them. I broke up with mg psychopath bf today. I have known his disorder since April. I even told him when we fought and texted him that he needs help coz he has a disorder and he targets virgin women and prey on them. He admitted it and said I am smart. Guys we can heal from this. But first let us forgive ourselves because we should never blame ourselves for sticking or trying to work things out. Hard as it may seem there will come a time that we will be able to forgive them. We can leave everything in God's hands
Sometimes it seems that our good qualities, such as loyalty, devotion, etc., work against us when we are being used by a sociopath. Such sad stories, yet a common thread I hear is that we pick ourselves up, acknowledge and assess the damage, and carry on with our lives. I advocate that one should never look back, Except to learn from the past, but enjoy the present and look to the future for there are better days ahead.
Silva , you are right. It happened cause we needed to learn something within ourselves and from life. We may had it the hard way but there are still better days ahead :"(
Thank you for visiting and commenting, Krizzy. Yes I strongly feel that better days are ahead of us.
:"( I am still emotional cause I waited too long to get out.I tolerated things that I knew I would never tolerate.
I am sorry. You are not alone; it's good that you have your faith to help sustain you. I am sending positive thoughts your way.
Why are there no stories about sisters, brothers, fathers etc? I love my sister and I am 99% certain she is a sociopath. Is it harder for people to believe that a family member could be like this? Especially a sister because that relationship is suppose to be special? For more than 20 years I have been unnerved around her, always nervously waiting for the next 'epsiode' to put the family through hell. It normally lasts some weeks and then, presto, as if nothing happened. We are made to feel guilty, bad and uncaring. She is always after sympathy for her 'hard life' although she lives such a good life! She had breast cancer a few years back and beat it, but it has never been in the family, is she internalising her negativity? I believe so. The stories I hear of cancer survivors relishing life after their sickness, well this never happened for my sister. Her tendencies just became more intense. She treats my mother and father like pieces of dirt although they do everything to help her and her family, helping them financially at every turn. It is always about the money for them, a lot of talk about money. She plays mind games with all of us, extracts information out of us and then uses it at a later date against us and she plants seeds to others to make us look bad. She has disciples who are not intelligent to understand her motives and uses them to also attack us. She has made it look as if my mum had some problem (i.e. post natal though mum denies anything like it) with her growing up and caused her to be so hard done by, but there are 2 other siblings and we do not have any problems with our mum. I have severed contact but it won't be enough until my family and myself move further away so there is next to minimum chance of seeing her. Christmas, birthdays and holidays should be wonderful, but it's horrible because it gives her more chances to hurt us. Lucky I have a strong partner who has been through much worse in life than she could ever imagine, and the strength he has given me has helped me realise how much I was a easy target to her, always forgiving and going back for more because I had to be a good sister! When I was in a relationship such as some described above a decade ago, she was happy because I was down and out, now I am in a wonderful, caring, stable relationship, she has struggled to come to terms with it. (I am loved enough to stick up to her!) They just want to see you fail, they just want to win and they always will, but the calculating and constant way they go about it will be their downfall ie cancer, alcoholism etc. Is this karma? Maybe. Thanks for listening.
Hi, Angie, thank you for sharing your story. I can only speculate as to why there aren't more stories about family members being sociopaths. One answer could be that since family is so much more difficult to disassociate yourself from -- even though it is painful to break up with a lover and never have contact again, it feels almost impossible to "break up" with a blood relative. There are usually so many ties, such as parents, children, etc. so maybe people just keep hanging in there when it's a family member. People with a sociopath in the family are in the worst position of all and there's no perfect answer.
I thought this was over but now it appears that she has now take it to a new level. What is wrong with these people she is in real trouble now and i want it to end so there is less pain and upset. But it appears she believes she is above the law, she definatley thought i would keep hanging on and suffer her abuse lies and hurtful actions, i didnt like others she has hurt and swindled. I am at the point of no return with her now and it pains me to carry on with what i have to do, i dont want to but she continues to push me. I believe it is pride now with her she cannot accept she has been discovered for what she is. I would have walked away as painful as it is and as much as i still love the woman but she has taken the bar of deception and vile actions farther than i thought any woman could. Why can't she just accept that i have found hger out and stop this nonsense is it somethinmg they cannot do , do they have to push as far as they can, it seems so silly when she knows full well it will result in her possibly being prosecuted, i do not understand the woman.
I won't go into it but I was in a relationship with what I now realize to be one of these. I lost everything. Home, money, love, had to come back and live with my parents. All he did was tell me how if I didn't this and I didn't that...things wouldn't have "happened" like they did. From what I understand, he has done the same things all his life...and continues playing multiple women to this day.
Cruise by Alex Stofa
When retired airline pilot Mac Knight and counselor Lynn Baker plan their annual three month summer cruise to the Bahamas, Both Lynn's and Mac's past bring a new dimension into their plans and into their cruise.
In this fast moving page turner be a voyeur into the word of bigger than life Mac as he juggles living ghosts of his past with the promise of a future with Lynn. Be the fly on the wall as level headed Lynn, guided by her psychic childhood friend, deals with her own resurrected ghosts as Mac’s past unfolds before her eyes.
Their passion keeps their romance together. But is their passion enough to stand time?
Preview Cruise:
Thank you all for the comments. I have found so much healing in your words. My experience began in Feb. 2011 when saten himself sent a sociopath into my office. She was 21 intelligent charming sexy and of coarse in a terrible marriage to a domineering husband.We soon learned that she was absolutely the wrong person for the job but I was already hooked. Once hired she displayed zero interest in the job.None of her character traits reflected any redeeming qualities worthy of love from another human being. I won't go into all of those. I wanted to fix all her problems and show her how good a normal life could be.She would have no part of it. I kind of chuckle when I think that even lobster for lunch didn't phase her. She was constantly on her phone texting etc and leaving the office frequently....I never dreamed that she could be turning tricks all during the day but all the signs were there. Everyone knew and I suspected but I was brainwashed. Her lies never made sense but I overlooked them thinking I could make her love me enough to change. Waylon Jennings wrote a song once "I THOUGHT I COULD CHANGE HER AND I DID MY BEST SHE WAS JUST NO GOOD FOR ME DON'T BE TAKEN BY THE LOOK IN HER EYES IF SHE LOOKS LIKE AN ANGEL IT,S A PERFECT DISGUISE" no truer words have ever been penned. Anyway after six months of chaos I could not take it anymore.I terminated her then evicted her from the apt complex we manage.Less than a month later she tried to hustle me for 500 dollars which I refused her.I am told that she will make another run at me but so far so good.It has been 10 weeks today since she was terminated. The crazy part is that I still long for her.I have concluded that I fell for a fantasy created in my own mind.I remain addicted to the way she made me feel. I think this is a question we all should ask.Do we miss the person who hurt us so badly or do we miss the way they made us feel.It is getting better every day,although there are still valleys which I go through.I hope these words help someone as your words have helped me.Best wishes to all.
My ex was a psychopath. He beat and tortured me and always begged for forgiveness. I forgave cos I thought I loved him. In the end it was too dangerous to be with him so I after years of abuse, I walked. Took a long time to get over him, twenty years. He has just contacted me on a social network site. All the feelings I had for him come flooding back but I know that he could be still dangerous. Just walk away from any of the above behaviour and keep your life. Thanks for the hub.
Passion1 -
I completely empathize with you and your situation. After my "relationship" was over I made a discovery about "Christina" that chilled me to the bone (one similar to yours). I, too, offered her a normal life but it seems she prefers to "work", perhaps to find another mark/victim/sucker. I sometimes wonder if she is ever sitting somewhere waiting for her next client and thinking "I didn't have to be here! I could've had a nice life with someone who adored me.". But then I am reminded that this is the way a NORMAL person thinks, something Christina is definitely not. Good luck on your road to healing.
I couldn't have said it better. Good luck to all of you on the road to healing. May you find the peace you seek. Forgive but never forget.
My situation is not that far off. I too have a 3 month old baby boy and just recently after reading pages and pages of topics concerning sociopaths. Two years I have endured constant lies and deceit only for it to be turned around and put on my shoulders. I have another son with a normal woman from years back, we have a relationship based on the welfare of our son and it works, he is 11. The problem is my ex resented this and resented my son no matter how much I involved her. Can you believe she said to me that she fell pregnant hoping I would forget about my other son. She hated my ex because she could see straight though her and resented my son because of it. She had to control when I had him, I could not have alone time with him. She threw away his scan picture and articles of clothing that gave me good memories of his early years. She stole my Ipod so I would blame him. There have been other men, violence towards me, obsessive behaviour and lack of guilt for anything, including all the wrong she caused before we met. Sexual manipulation, If I did not comply I did not get any. She used to beat the hell out of our dog when she got frustrated. She is violent, been in many fights in town and even hit my sisters friend for just being in my house. Dresses to crave constant attention from men. Flirts and giggles with any man due to a lack of confidence with a normal conversation. If I looked at another woman, she would start. I am nearly bankrupt and my business has gone down hill because of the constant attention she craved from me. She constantly blackmails me and I gave up my house to make her feel secure and went to live under her roof. So if I never agreed with her guess what she would say?? I am now living on the floor in my office in the same cloths for 3 days because if I don’t do as I am told I cant get my things back. I teach and she would constantly call and text if she was having a hard day and if I never gave her time and replied she would threaten to come banging on my door. I want to see my new child all the time but now I can’t for two weeks unless I pay her debts that she had before we met. I have £3.50 in my pocket and ashamed to say that is all the money I have in this world. I have begged her not to let this effect the upbringing of our child but she is using him as a pawn against me. All I have read is so true. In the beginning she was everything I wished for and I fell in love very quick, but within months it started. I listened to her sob stories about how her family turned there back on her only to find out it was because she slept with her dying sisters boyfriend. She had an affair behind her ex husband back but told her child it was him. She broke his heart and now he has no contact at all with her so his new wife has to do the communication. She gave me constant guilt trips all the time and I even got used to them. We would fall out over silly things and instead of working it out, she would go drinking in town with the shortest of skirts on saying things like ''If I did not want her someone else will'' That used to tear me apart, so guess what I did? Yes give in to her demands. When she got what she wanted she was so loving and kind but that could all change on the flip of a coin. Of course I am the bad guy now in everything. She has even befriended my family with her charm and lies and now got them looking down there nose at me for walking out on our baby. They love her and are elderly so now I worried how far she will go with them. They are already driving 200 miles in a few days to comfort her. I would never turn my back on my son and will endure being humiliated by her for his sake. But my family do not see what I see and been through my pain because I never involved them, so yet again its another thing I must endure. Her past relationships have always been short and ended bad. 3 years ago one boyfriend took his own life because of the way she is. She tells people how she misses him but she doesn’t tell people that when he died she had 3 guys on the go. What sickens me is that she uses it to gain sympathy off others. I could go on and on about her and if I was an outsider looking in I would find it funny and sad at the same time. I would tell me to grow a pair and get out of there and move on. Trouble is, is that women like this places themselves in to the deepest corners of your heart and although I despise the type of person she is a part of me still loves her. When ever we fell out she would somehow take sick and be forever in the doctors. She would soon recover when she got what she wanted though. Reading all these things is the sad truth about my situation and, being the man I don’t have a leg to stand on because the basic truth is is that people just can not understand it if they have not been through it. I can see how people would believe every word she says and feel sorry for her and it makes me want to scream the truth about the misery she has caused to everyone. She has taken my pride, Money and now my son and there is not a dam thing I can do about it. I know what I have to do and keep calm, only the other night she was texting saying how much she loved me and could I do this for her because she needs this because if not this is going to happen, and so on. But because I have stuck to my guns and not jumped she has turned the complete opposite way. I have realised she does not love me. I mean, how can a person that’s in love, deliberately try to hurt you in all ways and show no remorse? The thing is, I cannot tell if she even knows what she is doing. If she does, it would make her evil, as we know it. I am choosing to believe she is too stupid to know she has a serious mental condition, for now anyway. What makes it more unbearable is that I will be attached to her for the rest of my life. I look at what her other son of 10 has been through and see the confidence problems he has. The many men in and out of his life and abuse he has witnessed and dread to think my son has to go through the same as she shows no signs of changing and only got worst. Why can she not see what she has done wrong? I can not reason with her no matter what I say at this point so I have given up and keeping it business and not rising to her guilt trips.
The one bit of peace I have now is that I understand the term sociopath. I never really heard of it before and looked at myself over and over thinking there was something wrong with me and I’m going insane due to her lack of feelings. It saddens me now I have become another one on her list of bad men and will be the topic of many pity stories for anyone she meets or already in her life. Because lets face it, anyone she meets knows her life story within 5 minutes. She now knows I am on to her and her methods and it seems she no longer wants me back, funny that. Is she a sociopath? Please someone put my mind at rest. I’m not a bitter man and I will not resort to bad mouthing her to anyone I know, and I can tell you this is all true on the lives of my two sons. I think I just need to tell me this is real and not a mental condition I have. Well I am now going to take a step back and see how it all unfolds. I will stand my ground and not be played by her. I have told her she can fix this if she get help but she denies absolutely all wrong doing so cant see that happening. Will I spot another? Dam right I will. Thanks for reading this.
I am so sorry. My heart literally lurched in my chest when I read your message. It does sound as though she is the classic sociopath and she will never change because she does not understand what she is and she cannot change. It is always tragic when there are children involved. All you can do is protect yourself from further harm as best you can, and always be there for the children, as best you can. I am so sorry.
time to end this heartbreak she has now moved her husband back in once again the man who she said raped her beat her put her in hospital because he was a drunk at the wheel. I am angry he enjoys himself at my expense i am finding hard to deal with this betrayal, my anger is building yet i am resisting any thing that would ruin my chances of at least geeting my possesions back.I have decided to take her to court but the waiting its like nothing is going my way, i hope she gets proscecuted for fraud if not there is no justice. Sounds bitter and i am why shouldnt i be bitter she set me up as far back as last year and this is not the first time she has done it with her husband, but it is the first time one of her victims has not walked away tail between his legs. I cannot let her get away with this i have to pursue this and hopefully she will be stopped. My worry is if she rings, how can i feel so much resentment yet still love her, i am dreading a call will i be strong enough to hang up.
I am sending positive thoughts your way. Stay strong.
Reading this blog has been very helpful. I have a relationship with my niece who I've been trying to help and protect from her family and "bad people" who are after her. None of her stories ever added up and she would never give details. I have felt manipulated and controlled by her never ending needs and wants. I had invited her to be part of our family and she took advantage of this and ate up the time I would spend with my kids and husband. This was pulling my family apart and forcing me to fall behind with my responsibilities. I repeatedly tried to get her to understand that I could not jump and be part of her every whim. Most recently I tried to set up boundaries again and she didn't like it. She started to make up a new story about the "bad people" who are after her as a reason why I must make myself available to her 24/7. I finally told her to call 911 if there was bad people trying to hurt her and not to call me. Well, that was the last time we spoke.
I do worry about getting her mad. She has keys to our home and I have considered changing the locks. I feel it is time to distance myself from her to have a happy normal life for me and my family. It has been 2 weeks since I've had to deal with her demands and drama. I feel free, like I finally have my life back but I also feel like it is not over. In the past I have woken up to her looking down on me sleeping. This was a very uncomfortable feeling but I pushed it away because she is my niece and I love her. Now I question if I even know who she is. All her crazy stories of sexual abuse which tore our families apart might not be true. An I just an enabler? What goes thru their mind when you tell them "No!"
What do you do when you think a family member is a sociopath? Do you break off contact? Do you confront them about their bad behavior? How will they react? Help!
You are right to be worried. Some sociopaths are dangerous when thwarted. Confronting her is probably pointless, because her behavior will not improve. If you decide to break off contact, be extremely careful.
From your comment I think it would be best if I did change the locks. I will take your advice and not confront her, just distance myself and let her latch on to someone else. I believe that as long as I don't try to out her she will move on. Do you have any more advice?
I don't have any more advice ... just proceed with caution. I think this is what happens with most people with her condition. They just move on to the next victim. Sad but true. Best of luck to you. I will keep you in my thoughts.
I am angry today. Not so much angry for the pain she inflicted on me because she is what she is and cannot help it. I'm angry because she couldn't see and didn't want to experience THE BIG PICTURE. The plans to send her, her mom, and her little girl to Disney for two weeks,the plans for a holiday cruise the plans to give her a new Charger for Christmas. She could have lived a fantasy life had she only been normal. After reading many articles I now realize so much about her life is amiss.The signs were there all along, the self cutting,the trancelike stare in her eyes,on those rare ocassions that she said "I love you" there was never any emotion in those words.I would tell her not to say it if she didn't mean it.That would usually provoke her. I now am convinced that her husband is also a psychopath and is also her pimp. He has to be aware of her blatant sexual activity (even in his bed with some real skumbag drug dealers,it amazes me who she would do for a few pills) her presence all over the social media, not to mention her attitude toward porno and sexual taboos. I suppose that on this day before Thanksgiving I should be thankful that she was exposed before I invested too heavily financially into our relationship. Had she been a little sharper she could have really scored big on me. I was so smitten by her that she could have had it all,there was just always this voice in my head warning me that something just wasn't right. Fortunately I listened to that voice and got out eventhough it was and still is painful the alternative would have been disaster.I ask God every day for enough grace to carry me until I am healed.Happy Thanksgiving to all.
Only time will help to heal the wounds. So good that you got out when you did. Stay strong. Hope you have a peaceful holiday.
Hi, this page has finally let me realise i'm not alone and made me feel like I had made the right choice to end the relationship. My wife and I was going through the IVF programme because we couldn't have children, sadly the medication my wife was taking had serious side effects and made my wife ill, sadly my wife was pregnant with our twins when she had a stroke, our first child miscarried after 6 weeks, our second after 8 weeks and my wife Gail died after 11 weeks. I was devastated and didn't know how I was going to cope. One of my wifes best friends started to call around and chat and we'd meet for coffee and talk about what happened and the the thing my wife and I used to get up to and she would tell of tales they used to get up to as friends. We became firm friends. Then this person would start to tell me that her husband was abusive and had hit her in the past and was an alcoholic, I knew her husband and knew he liked a drink but little did I know this was one of the signs. This person left her husband and we carried on as friends until one time i looked at her and thought i'm falling for her. I talked to her about my feelings and she agreed she felt the same. We started seeing each other as boyfriend and girlfriend and things were going great, maybe because I was paying her all the attention and buying her stuff, bought her a car, took her on vacation to new york and vegas, greece and numerous trips around the UK. We even got engaged and planned to get married. I was well and truly in love and never looked at anyone, never went to family parties etc just wanted to spend time with her, then it started. little things at first, stood at a bar and there was a guy stroking her hand and when i saw this and went to say something, she pushed me away and said she hadn't even felt it. She would come back to mine afetr nights out with lipstick smeared all over her face and then ring a friend or relative to back her up that it her nieces guy who did it in jest, only for the niece to deny it. then came the i'm depressed and going to stop with family for the weekend and not even answering calls and texts. we split and I flew to the states to get away but she called and text and convinced me to come back early for christmas to be together and then dumped me at the airport. I was well and truly under the spell by this time. she said she was depressed and needed money for the mortgage and kids presents and thats why the relationship was failing, so i lent her the £1500 then she disappeared at new year after showering at my place and getting ready, later I found out to see another man who she met on a famous social media site...although she blamed me for setting up her account. She convinced me I was going mad because I said she was seeing someone else although I couldn't prove it, I ended up in counselling to get myself "better". well push came to shove and i found out about the other guy and confronted her and she left, but she never really stopped contact, she would text saying what a bad depression she was in so being me, i was there for her. eventually I emailed the guy after she had stayed at my place one night and she was showing me texts he had sent and how he was so controlling??? he went mad and she blamed me for wrecking her life. I went into a really deep depression cause by this time she was sending me texts at all hours telling me what she and her guy was doing, were they were going etc...by this time i was suicidal..it only stopped when I sent her a mms with a pic of a bottle of vodka and a few boxes of pills..luckily I saw sense and rang my family and they came over to save me. I never saw her for a few months after that..until she came back with the story how it was never gonna work out with him, he made her feel guilty for him leaving his wife etc etc etc once again I was taken in, lent her some more money for the mortgage...thats the power these people can have over you. I got her a job at the place where I used to work, she made a tale about me sleeping with one of the other staff, caused havoc in the place, told her neighbours I used to beat her up regularly, luckily I got to hear about that one before it caused too much damage, After a string of more lies, I made the decision to get counselling once more to try and get away from this person, it's early days without her although its took 3 months of counselling to do it. All this is from My wifes best friend, who knew everything about what happened to us, knew how vunerable I was..and that is the key...I was vunerable. I hope to meet someone one day, I won't let this destroy my faith in others, I was just unlucky I guess. Helped me to hear other stories though, so thank you
My heart goes out to you. She saw your vulnerability and moved in on you, getting money from you, etc., and then compounded the damage by attacking your reputation. Shaun, I am sorry you are enduring this kind of treatment, sorry for your terrible loss, and I hope you are strong enough to stay away from her 100%. Thank you for coming here and relating your story.
This ny eve would have been my fourth anniversary with my sociopath, who was also a porn addict. I left him six months ago and ended up receiving treatment for PTSD.
I thought I was getting better. I thought I was over him. then I bumped into him again at a friend's birthday party a couple of weeks ago. He texted after, stupidly I responded, but only once.
today, ironically on my way home from my last counselling session, i drove past him in the street and I nearly crashed the car, seeing him shook me that much.
I have written a book (like one of the other ladies, a humorous one) called You Want Me To Do WHAT With That?! The Life Expectancy of a relationship With a Porn Addict and started a website dontrewardbadbehaviour.com, the book is specifically about his porn addiction, (the next book will be about his sociopathy.)
All of this, I thought, had helped me heal, which it has. to a cerain degree. But now I have seen him again I am once again thrown into turmoil. I should have been working tonight, but after seeing him today I feel as if something has come in and hollowed my insides out. I want him, I want to call him, to touch him to be with him.
My intellect knows damn well it is the worst thing I could do, and that I would be throwing my life away. But it was all I could do not to go to his house, which used to be my home too, and wait for him then follow him in and continue my life with him within those four walls that were not a lot better than a slum and represented a living nightmare for me,
Why? Why do I want him still? And what the hell can I do to mend this heart? I feel as though I have had a voodoo spell placed on me and I can't shake off the curse.
He wasn't even good looking, and for maybe two or three good points that he had, I have filled two sides of a fullscap page with his bad points.
How can I stop the yearning? Has anyone come up with a practical solution (EMDR, hypnotherapy, alternative medicine) to physically remove this person from my heart and take away love I feel for this cold, callous, critical, cruel, manipulative man, that I would give anything to be with right now.
There's got to be some kind of therapy that would help you develop an aversion to this person. I have been reading a lot about the self-destructive tendencies that most human beings have. You mentioned that you were leaving a counseling session when you saw him again; can your counselor give you any guidance or point you in the right direction? Google the self-destructive tendency and you will be amazed at how wide-spread it is. I will continue to research and learn about this problem. All I can suggest is for you to continue to work on your self-esteem because you know you deserve better treatment than he is capable of giving. I will send positive thoughts your way, ElleJay.
thank you Sylvia, I will do as you say.
In your research, have you found tht porn addicton is oommon among sociopaths? Is the emotionaless and 'using' element, something that particuarly appeals to them?
Yes, it seems that use of porn might be more common among male sociopaths and promiscuity among female sociopaths, and the emotionless affect and 'using' element is standard with most or all sociopaths. Not to generalize, but this is what I am finding.
Various experiments have proved and psychologists have shown that regular people do in fact perform behaviors that can be self-detrimental. The three models of self-destructiveness illustrate the different ways in which a person behaves in a self-defeating way, depending on each person’s level of “intentionality” to harm oneself. Human beings are more likely to behave in more self- defeating ways depending different circumstances, such as a person’s mental health. If a person is depressed or anxious then that person is more likely to behave in a self-destructive way than a person would if they were mentally healthy. Other important factors that contribute to self-destructive behaviors include low- egos, low self-esteem and seclusion. Results from various studies propose that a “strong feeling of social inclusion is important for enabling the individual to use the human capacity for self-regulation in ways that will preserve and protect the self and promote the self's best long term interests of health and well-being." (Twenge, Catanese, & Baumeiter 2002.) (copied from psychwiki.com)
This is an interesting aspect. Areas where there were cracks in my confidence were turned into gaping maws after time with him. Things I did not even have issues with, he created issues for me. I feel as though he projected the type of 'victim' I was on me and I lived up to a lot of it. But not all, which was why I was able to escape.
I have never had any of theee issues in relationships before - I would never accept this type of bad behaviour from anyone, but a combination of external factors that were in place at the time we met, meant I was particularly vulnerable to his mind games and ignored all the red flags that were up there from the start - which confirms the 'being in a depressed or anxious state' meant I behaved in a self destructive way.
sorry, also meant to add....
the after effects of being in love with a sociopath appear to be similar to those of someone suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, which is the deep and unique bond formed between the captor and the hostage. The hostage empathises with the captor and wants to maintain 'their relationship' with them and even misses them, after they are free
Fascinating insight, ElleJay. As they say, "Knowledge is power."
having read the above post i must add my bit, she was a very permissive woman it was not the sex that attracted me to her but the woman herself. She is 5 years older than me 61 now but it was the intense emotion showed everyday making me feel like i was special, i thought she was special. I still think about her every day. When it started to go wrong the day i said we had to slow down with money and she could not have this and that then she changed to a very nasty woman. the humiliation started, we were a couple her children knew that and she worried about them walking in. Her daughter who she enlisted to drive me away would laways knock, but the last tkime we had sex her daughter walked in and stood there, my partner the sociopath pushed me away and accused me of lowering her standards i was disgusting and she had set a bad example to her children. That was the last time we slept together she told me i had to move into the spare room which i did. Then she started a number of one night stands and then some nights she would call me in and tell me if i wanted sex i would have to do as she asked by watching her mastubate herself or use certain objects. I refused i am not a prude by any means but she was just humiliating me and then she would say to me why bother with you when i have these, she kept a bag of carrots by the side of the bed, i need a real man and you are not that man. and why should you have the pleasure of me you will never have that again, then it got to threats where she would say she would call the police and accuse me of making sexual adavances to her daughter and her daughter said she would swear on that. I left i had no choice but even after all that i still loved her and wanted to go home to her, am i mad is there something wrong with me.
I have since found out she has been like this all her life having sex with who she likes even when we together she was having sex with men, no matter what age 17 was the youngest i have spoken to him and he was ashamed as he had seen us together.
I have been told women like her are unable to stop themselves and i was a lucky man to be out of it, yet i still think about her everyday even though tomorrow i start court proceedings to get my possessions back. Her so called rapist husband has moved back in now that is how she caught me, i had known her for years and she knew my marrige was over and i was a soft person at heart and she filled my head full of tales of rape and abuse and hurt all her life. i fell in love with her and it was like i have never loved a woman before, it was special the best ever until it went wrong then it was a nightmare and still is.
they are clever very clever and she knew how to yank my chain and did many times until it drove me to the verge of suicide. i would say it is worse than grief there is someone who you love more than life itself yet you cannot be close to them or even be with them. Maybe this step i am taking will help me move on ,as my solicitor said she believes no one has ever taken her on before, most men would walk away licking their wounds and she loves to contact the police, now she is thinking hard she knows i am not going to back off and i have so much evidence to get my stuff back i believe she is worried.
I shouldnt say this but i will take great pleasure should i win in court by taking everything i bought and leavijng her how i found her. yes a different roof over her head but she will have nothing just like before and her drunken husband is back, but there is a twist in the tale, she tried to involve me in a massive benefit scam and it back fired and she will be in court again to the sum of £10.000 she defrauded the local housing and another £4000 from the pennsions dept.I hope she is punished to the max she deserves it so does the husband this is their con she has done it before.
I will add this though she is one hard person to forget even my solicitor aftewr watching me sob for 20 minutes in her office warned me not to fall into her trap again, depsite what she is facing and i will be responsible, when all goes wrong she knows there is one person who will be there for her, me the fool the idiot who lost everything and was homeless for 14 weeks. God i hope i am strong enough to not fall for it again, i hope others learn from this i would hate to see anyones life wrecked like mine has, my health has gone downhill my head is a mess i wonder if i will ever have the courage to love a woman again or trust one, sorry to all the decent women out there no offence meant. I think somedays i am losing my mind and have now decided to seek help, just to talk to someone with out burdening friends and even my ex wife who has been brilliant and got me through so much.
I want to scream and cry and get it all out and hopefully it will work. good luck to everyone who has suffered as a result of these parasites because that is what they are and it appears it runs in the family.
Take care all Bob
What a terrible tragic story. You take care.
I just got out of a relationship with my girlfriend. She said to me 3 years ago when we first met that she might be a bit of a sociopath. I didn't know what a sociopath was so looked it up on the web. Then I forgot she told me later on.
Then things started to get more and more strange. She became very controlling and manipulative. I admit that I ignored my inner alarm that something was wrong because I’m in love with her, so so addicted to her and also obsessed with her. She could get me to do anything.
Now to make a long story short as most of what has happened is very similar to what I read above.
What differentiate from the other stories is that she after 2 two or so she started acussing me for being a sociopath, and also having Cluster B personality disorders i.e. narcissist behaviour and lack of empathy towards her.
She told me to see a doctor. I told the doctor I have general anxiety which I admit I have due to something that happened in my family. The doctor gave me referrel to a psychiatrist, we just started so he can’t say much yet.
Today I’m so confused about it all that I am uncertain whether I’m a sociopath or whether she is a sociopath or we just had a bad run. Our breakup was really nasty and she doesn’t want to speak with me at all saying I detroyed her and that I can’t understand that I have these disorders. I have only contacted her via email asking her if we can meet to talk it through but she is threatening me with restraining orders if I don’t back off.
I have also spoken to her father in person a couple of times and I have basically told him everything that has happened as I feel I have nothing to hide but admit that it’s not all her fault nor is it all my fault.
Now, I feel numb and insecure. I still don’t know if I’m a sociopath because if I am I want to sort myself out.
Hi, veryconfusedguy. I am not qualified to make any diagnosis. However, it sounds as though you are concerned, worried, and confused, and I don't think a true sociopath has those feelings. The sociopath that I know is adept at turning their behavior around and attributing it to others; sounds like that might be what she is doing to you. I think you need to be open and upfront with your psychiatrist so you can get the most help possible. As for your relationship with the girl, sounds like you two are better off apart. Don't ignore your inner alarm. Sending you positive thoughts for the best possible outcome. Take care.
Please don't ever underestimate the arrogance of a sociopath. He is well capable of horrible acts. I broke up with mine via a text message after just 3 months of dating (I just couldn't take his mind games and vanishing acts anymore). He was 55 and I was 44. His response? Call me all nice so that we can talk only as a false lure for him to come over to my home and rape me and then silently disgard me. I wish I had pressed charges, but I was in complete shock. Things happen for a reason, I suppose. I NEVER would have guessed that he was a sociopath or he could be capable of such violence; yet his act led me to therapy and it was my therapist, who after learning all the facts from this 3 month realtionship, coined him as a histronic sociopath. Now I am arming myself with knowledge about these type of individuals; 5 months later and still in therapy, but getting stronger every day. i just want to warn other people, you really don't know what type of violence these sociopaths can be capable of.
to veryconfusedguy and lady66, I empathise with you totally (oh well at least I know I'm not a sociopath then) My sociopath also turned things around and tried to put HIS symptoms onto me as though I were the one with the mental problem.(its one of the things they do when they're Gaslighting you)Like veryconfused guy, I'd had a traumatic experience as a kid. - That's exactly what they hone in on like a shark smelling blood a mile away. The more loving and nurturing you are, the more they endeavour to tear you to pieces.
They draw you in, even when they have been horrible to you, so it didn't surprise me at all lady66 that you were conned into seeing him again. They will then punish you for feeling like you have a right to assert yourself and dare to dump them.
I never used to be able to initiate sex with mine, when I did, I was left so humiliated, I never tried again.
There seems to be something in a normal human (ie, one with emotions) that gets pulled in by a sociopath, and becomes addicted to the cold, callous, manipulative person. I can't figure out what the heck it is, or why, except striving for something that is dangled under our nose, but we cannot have.
The feelings for a sociopath go beyond love and feel more like addiction. In my own case, I am approaching it as though 'coming off a drug', becuase the regular 'getting over a broken heart' advice is almost laughable it is so ineffective.
I hope both of you return to happiness and find relationships with healthy loving people. I've taken time out of dating for six months now and am concentrating on working on my book and building my site, it's been the best therapy for me... oh and I bought my first pet, a kitten, which I love to bits.... psychologically - apparently - stroking pets releases Oxytocin - the love drug - which is helping me heal.
Thank you, Elle and Lady, for your insightful comments. The sociopath can indeed be dangerous. They can become violent when they don't get their way, they can totally destroy your emotional and financial health, and they can destroy your reputation, both in your social circles and by cyber attacks.
I don't know why many 'normal' people are attracted to sociopaths and find it so difficult to disengage from them. It's probably a combination of many things. One thing could be that we think we can 'save' them, that we can wake them up emotionally and make them whole. From everything I have heard and everything I have read, this type of personality disorder does not change, cannot change, it is so sad, so tragic, but have any of you ever heard of a true sociopath becoming a loving caring human? I have not.
The message is clear; take plenty of time to get to know a potential partner, be skeptical of their stories of the past, keep an open mind, be wary, protect your children, protect your finances, and above all, TREAD CAREFULLY.
What can I say? I wish I would have had this information five years ago. Everything that all of you have said has been a fact in my relationship with my wife. My wife as she is know has tried every trick under the sun.
She has financially bankrupted once and is quickly on her way to a second.
She has literal destroyed my social network. At this current moment I have only one friend outside our relationship and that's because she believe's that he is good for me. Apparently the fact that he agrees with may of her thoughts makes him a good person. Not to sure what I should think about that?
As if that wasn't enough! Yes... There has been and currently is both police and other government department involvement. After our first breakup and while she was involved with the government trying to take her daughter. We got back together. Of course I thought I was doing the right thing in that she needed support during this tough time. I guess it should b known that she was in court with the government and her parents. They were saying that she was crazy and a danger to her daughter. They lost... But this was only the beginning of the story for me. Because her parents were taking care of her and they lost. They kicked her out of the apartment she lived in. It was their's by the way! Being the supporting boyfriend I though I should b. I toke it upon myself to get her into another home. Using everything that I had left to pay for this. Two weeks after moving us into our first place together, on Valentines day by the way. She called me on my way home telling me not to return. The police were at the house and I would b arrested if I returned. Apparently she and her doctor friend had accused me of doing something with her daughter. Couple weeks homeless and a police arrest and interrogation later. I found myself with nothing left. No money, no support and no emotional.... well emotional anything. I was done... If it wasn't for my best friend, I won't be here sharing my story. As stated before, this is only the beginning. Ohhh.... And by the way, I was never charged with anything and told by the police that everything was ok and to b careful. Happy happy joy joy times those were.
Well.. I'm guessing that your all gob smack right know! Probably having thoughts of WTF... What's wrong with this dude! I've asked myself that question so many times it hurt the head. Well.. Like I've said a few times already. This was only the beginning.
Apparently, while the hole court thing was happening. She desided that nobody was going to take the parenting thing away from her. In the three months leading up to our first move, she desided that she wanted to b with child. Oviusle she didn't say anything to me. We were together once and that was it. So... Yes this young lady gave birth to my first son. That ladies and gentlemen is why I'm here. All I can say to everybody is, when u see your first child for the first time. Everything changes!! U no longer matter. This was my boy and I was going to be there come hell or high water.
So... Here I am four years later and another baby boy. Once more I going down road of pain and difficulty! Apparently.. This time on my wife was visiting our latest son. "fyi: both boy were born premature at 25 weeks respectively, that's a hole different talk" when she when off about me not being supportive of her bababa
hey everyone read all you can find about sociopaths and antisocial personality disorders. all of us need to quit wondering about our minds. these SPs have no conscience. like a reprobate mind. they are brilliant in many ways. first in mind control. its a power game they have to win. but once won they crave more. they have NO conscience. they do not feel love. we love what they pretend to be but it never existed. it is only what they want us to think so we are easier victims. please read the books by martha stout n dr hare n the lovefraud posts. they must have victims and mind control. ive been married to one five years. now trying to end it without danger to me n family. i am a smart professional old lady and still got sucked in like dust into the shopvac. i didnt see it for 4 years. any insight on getting out of this mess is appreciated. you were right about the stockholm syndrome too. stay strong people for they do not get better only better at manipulating. it is said that in counseling they only learn counselors methods and then use that insight to further control future victims. terrifying. keep me in your prayers for i feel i will soon be «accidentally» dead.
Dear nonamehere, I get cold chills reading your post. Be careful; be super careful; be canny and resourceful and keep all your plans and thoughts to yourself, and get away from the danger. Please come back here and tell me how it's going for you. I am sending positive thoughts your way.
I'm not sure if mine is a Sociopath or just a player, advice would be great please.
Firstly, I feel so stupid for falling for this guy, we worked together, he is married, so am I, both supposedly in lovless marriages which we can't leave due to lots of reasons.
After months of friendship, very strong attraction, probably due to his following me, staring intensely at me,familiarity, HIS connection building and cmmonalites (all of which were his doing)This guy must have picked up on my vulnerability, my marriage was bad, my mother was ill, and I had other things going on in my life which now, I think he homed in on and used for his own advantage.
I WAS curious about his actions towards me, I had seen him giving the same signals out to other women at work, one in particular, but he seemd SO sincere with me, was obsessive with me, would not let me out of his sight. In fact, now, I think he was stalking me to an extent as well, I do know he was going through my personal things, purse, phone, etc. Those things were locked up securely, but he still did!
His actions, especially cantact, eg, texting and calling, were very over the top, and very intense from the word go! He was telling me he was in love with me within a couple of weeks.
I believed him, because I felt so strongly about him by that time that I was hooked.
He needed to see me every waking moment he could get, on my way to work, when I finished work, even if only for a few minutes.He was very flattering to the point of being sickly with it, I was a goddess, beautiful, too good for him,etc. He could not belive I wanted him!
Then after we became intimate, his attention started to wane a little and I started to notice that he was watching someone else, blatantly in front of me, as thought he was oblivious that I was even in the room.
Then a pattern started to emerge, his texts on certain days would be different, he would simply want to know if I was at work or not.
Even in the presence of this other woman, he would still be right by my side, he would not want to leave me, he would follow me around as much as he could during the working day.
I chose NOT to believe it of him, because his words seemed so sincere, his, obsessive stalking seemed so sincere, even to the point where others where stating to comment on his attention towards me.
Then I started to notice that there were the odd lies, in his sentences, and certainly lying through omission.
He would say things which I knew were not about me, as though he was mixing me up with somoene else. It became a regular thing.
When I did come across actual proof that he was also seeing the other woman, I confronted him, and he blatantly denied any contact with her at all, saying he hardly spoke to her, didn;t know where she lived, atc, and all of those things were lies, I had been in their presencve when those things had been discussed.
Over the next few days, he hounded me with continual texting, following me, declaring his total adoration, 'how could I believe it of him, I trusted him, and he trusted me, etc' and I'm ashamed to admit that I fell for it, I was made to feel in the wrong for thinking it of him, he also would come to me with tales of woe, his mother was dying, his son was seriously ill, all sorts of pity stories, anything which deflected from the issue which really needed to be dealt with. Sometimes it was actually quite sickly, but I WAS HOOKED!
I can't even explain myself, only to say that I saw how he was with her, I knew he was intimate with her, and I saw it in her as well, and every time I asked ehim to dlete my number from his phone, he would do it, and then within half an hour, he would text again, with very long statements of his love for me, his devotion, his pleads of " there is only you,there has only ever been you"
His cries of innocence and dedication towards me were so convincing that I started to believe it was me who was being paranoid. I started to question mysself because of how much I loved him.
Here I was, actually watching this woman take him to another room, and listening to heated voices, obviously she was also questioning him about me, he could not have made it any clearer that he was obsessed with me.
I so wanted to approach her, to talk to her, to find out if she was receiving the same treatment, but I couldn't because of my marital status, and HE KNEW IT!
He actually started to take what I can only call pleasure in hinting to me that he had been with her the day before, or early that morning, and I felt that he was playing very cruel games with me.
After a while, aan I think, digging a big hole for himself, he went to work somewhere else, and although gutted, I was relieved as well. I thought he would leave me alone, asked him to delete my number and that would be that.
It was not. while he worked out his notice, he became even more persistent, bombarded me with declarations of love, said he could not imagine his life without me in it, and wanted me to be there as his lover forever.
On other occasions I get what i consider to be just friendly texts,and if I answer in the same manner, I don't recieve any for a day or two, and then back he comes with the total adoration and over the top words that I used to get at the beginning, he even talks as thought we have only just started seeing each other, like it's a new conquest for him.
If I create any drama whatsoever, question him, challenge him, he completely wipes it out of memory, as if it hasn't happened, and carries on as before.He just tells me, you know me so well, better than anyone I have ever known, you understand me like no-one ever has.
It is so very frustrating, and i am still here waiting for his texts, addicted to that contact from him.
I feel that he is trying to let me go gently, bit by bit, and just start to begin to let go, and then he comes back for more.
All I get from him now are words, he doesn't seem to want to meet me face to face and when he does make arrangements, something always goes wrong, we can even be together and someone will call him with an excuse for him to leave, which he does promptly.
He says he can't let me go, I'm the love of my life, I could have anyone I want, and he feels the luckiest man alive becauese I 'chose' him and 'love' him.
Why can't I let this jerk go and get on with my life?
I know I love him, but I also know I don't like the person I am finding him to be.
I haven't the strength just yet, to not answer him,if I ignore him I start to feel panicky.
I could really do with some advice, does he sound like a sociopath?, how do I deal with him?
He is very secretive with me, but yet he is always wanting to know where I am, what I'm doing, he is jealous, suspicious, and cautious with me, and yet I have never done anything to hurt him, and never would, even knowing the things I do about him.
I've never asked anything of him, only for him to be honest with me, he syays he is!
More importantly, how do I get to the bottom of his feelings for me? He sounds so sincere most of the time, and I'm not sure if I HAVE been over paranoid myself?
Am I dealing with a sociopath or just a player?
p.s.
He also has only numbers in his phone, no names, and has even shown me a number upon receiving a call, and asked " I dont't recognise this number do you?" and when he answered, he claimed it was a family member!
I'm beginning to think he may have a few women's numbers like this now, and I am only one of them.
When I did confront him about the other woman, his answer was " You are the one I'm in love with" and " I know you are the one for me, my lover, best friend, my soulmate"
ah those 'lies by omission' my god the sociopath is good at them. Also the 'half told story' to make you believe what they want you to believe, which they can then claim never to have meant because the full story was...(fill in the blank) and it was YOUR paranoia that made you believe he meant what you KNOW he wanted you to believe.
Confused? You will be.
That's the damn hardest part isn't it, the confusion. I've actually been with him on our own miles from nowhere and felt that he was disengaged from me, like he had something or someone else on his mind, and was in a rush to get it over with.
I just don't understand all this obsessional stuff for me when he quite clearly has something going with another woman. He claims his wife is a nag (yes the old cliche)
He is a stickler for timing, I can time when he will contact me to the nearest five minutes, until his routine changed, probably to fit in with someone else's schedule. This has now left me paranoid as well if he is late, doesn't bother now and tehn. Is this his way of playing mind games with me?
At what point to you get to before saying that's enough??
I know I'm writng here what I believe to be true of him, but as I write it, I'm actually still hoping that I've imagined all of it,he is so damn convincing.
He even says to me " I could never do that to you, you can see right through me, you are the only person who ever could"
My closest of friends are now telling me that I am becoming obsessed with HIM, I dont think its obsession in my case,i thnk it is more the wanting him to admit the things he has done, so that I can walk away easier, but of course he never will, and he will not let go of me either.
I have also been a victim of a socio path. Beaten emotionally, physically, lied to over and over. I have been so traumatized that I now have PTSD. I am love him and depise him all at the same time. This man DID get violent when confronted with his lies. I had to have a family/ friend intervention just to get me out. I was brain washed. I have been out for 2 months I had to move to another state the list goes on. I feel very foolish to have fallen for this. He still haunts me in my dreams..flash backs during the day. Please if you have encountered someone like this please please RUN and dont ever look back! They are very cunning and do know what they are doing to you. I know for a fact that he already has a new victim in his clutches. It makes me feel horrible that I cant save HER. She is in the reeling in phases of this. There is nothing that I can do. I had to save me. Thank you for sharing all of your stories. You have helped me today more than you can ever imagine. Listen to your gut when you feel that something isnt quite right. I did and THERE is. Thank you again and may God bless.
i hope i have done it broke the hold shehas over me, yes i still love her cannot get her out of my mind and i miss her, but now it has gone to a level that even i have to accept, i have been arrested by the police, and called in several times i have a harrassment order out on me and i did nothing. The police get this impression she is this helpless victim being torroised by me.
Not true have not seen her for 4 months but the jolt of court action and the notification of this made her act like this, but i am doing what i set out to do, she emotionaly blackmailed be time and time again, i want what is minne back the money is gone, i have nothing and i am homeless but to get back my possessions is a start for me. I have been told that no one dared take her on as she knows how to frighten her men off,. but i am determined to see this throuigh if i win great if i do not i have to accept it, but at least she is getting a taste of her own medicine now and knows what it is like to have her self under pressure, strange she moved her husband back in, this man supposed to have raped her, she lied and lied it is her way of getting what she needed and i was told by her i was her greatest conquest the biggest fool she had ever met. how she enjoyed spending my pension and watching me work myself to death for her. you would think after that i would hate her, no i have alot of resentment and yet in the back of my mind i still love the woman i must be losing my mind or lost it. but we will see now i am slowly getting there i cry over her stil i cannot help it. It was supposed to be the best xmas ever now itis the worst and she has my home and my possessions and will be having her good time. But with the court action looming over the holiday period maybe it just might be playing on her mind.
Evil vindictive and malicous woman never ever dreamed it could happen to me and i do not know whether i have it in me to love again, hope all have a very nice xmas anyway
Bob
Ataloss, you want something that will never happen, not in a million years. You want your sociopathic lover to admit to being wrong, to admit to treating you badly, to acknowledge you as a person, and to sincerely regret his actions, but you know that will never happen. Remember you said "I had seen him giving the same signals out to other women at work;" this is what they do, they troll the waters and reel in whoever they catch first. I feel so badly for all of you; it is so damaging what sociopaths do to our lives. They are not content until they ruin everything, and until they have sapped everything dry, our finances, our emotions, our relationships, everything; then when it's all gone, they move on to the next victim. I firmly believe that there are many more sociopathic personalities out there than commonly believed. So many of them are never in a position to be documented and counted! They just move from victim to victim, draining them financially, and they still manage to stay within the law. Occasionally one goes too far, and then they are formally counted as a sociopath. But most of them troll the waters, reel in their victims, siphon off everything they can, and then when things get difficult, they simply move on. They know how to snare their prey. Many many people are unhappy in their marriage. The sociopath knows this. All he or she has to do at work is catch a person's eye and hold the stare a little longer than appropriate. The prey's reaction is a signal to take it further. The prey who is already unhappy will react with gratitude and interest, saying to themselves, "See! Someone appreciates me and sees my good qualities, even though my mean old husband or cold-hearted wife does not!" and then the race is on. The prey - the victim - finds themselves eventually left with nothing. Their spouse is gone, their money, their reputation, their relationships with family and friends, all gone. I am not a qualified professional; I can only give advice based on what I have seen over and over again. Get out, get out now. If you have already lost most of your money, staying with your sociopath will not get your money back. If you wise up and get out, you may eventually be able to regain your reputation and perhaps find love again. Just get out of your horrible situation because it can and usually does get worse. Get out, give yourself some time, be cautious in your next relationship. Pay attention to the past of a new love interest. Just know that most sociopaths have a story to tell and they're usually variations on a common theme. They tell you how horrible their ex was to them. They tell you how unfairly they have been treated. They explain why their current financial situation is not their fault. They awaken in you the desire to help make things better, to be their saviour, their healer. Wishing all of you here a safe and happy future.
I also meant to include in my comment this important point. You cannot and must not go by what they SAY. You can only go by what they do. Observe their current actions and analyze their past actions. Is there a pattern? For example, have they already been married several times, and do they tell you that all of their exes treated them badly and destroyed their financial reputation? Hmmmmm. I have noted that the best scenario for making an assessment of a potential lover or spouse is to establish a relationship with the ex. That's when you get the real story. Try to stay cool in the beginning and be smart. Don't immediately get all starry-eyed and think, This is the One! That behaviour is for the young ones; they can't help it; it's hormonal. As you mature, you need to find a way to keep a cool head and be able to make an intelligent decision. Don't be overcome with happiness because he/she wants you. Be smart. Protect yourself and your family, especially your children.
Thankyou so much for your reply,
you are spot on with the holdng the stare a little bit longer thing! it was almosy hypnotic when he watched me, his pupils would dilate fully as though he was mesmerised, and then another time in conversation, his eyes would glaze over as though he was in another world of thought altogether.
This man has rifled through my personal things at work, told my colleagues that he is looking for spy equipment, because he thinks (I am crazy, and stalking him!)
Of course this was after I confronted him, challenged him, questioned him and told him I had proof of the other woman!
He was so manipulating, and had so many pity stories, that I ended up trying to believe he regretted what he had done.
And then after seeing me cry, he bombarded me with absolute totally in love with you statements, up to forty times a day.
That has died down a little now, but he is still texting me, wanting to talk on the phone, but when making arrangements to actually see me, something always happens (on his part) to stop the meeting.
Of course, I know he is worried that I will get close to the other woman, talk to her, or even worse, do something with this proof I have.
I think to be fair, that is the only thing which is keeping him in contact with me.
I am beginning to laugh to myself now, but those smiles only last a short while, in reality, I am devastated for allowing myself to fall in love with this man, for allowing myself to go against all of my morals and beliefs for him, and I think it is myself with whom I am most disappointed, in fact, it is that which I am trying to come to terms with more than anything.
I, like everyone else on here, am at the point of wanting some kind of revenge on this parasite, but I know it would never be worth the trouble.
So for now, I just read his texts and smile to myself, and then cry again when I am alone.
I hope you find a way to distract yourself from this situation and eventually be able to move past it. Perhaps you shouldn't read his texts, or just skim them to see if he is threatening you. Do some damage assessment; for example, has he or will he damage your career? I am sending positive thoughts and best wishes your way.
brokenrose, it certainly sounds as though being with a sociopath is sometimes addictive. Please, think of your self-esteem and ways to improve it and consider this: do you deserve this kind of treatment? No, you do not, no one does, you must break this cycle and improve your emotional well-being.
Brokenrose, thank you for your side of the story.
It's a little different for me, I can't confront his other woman beacause I am married with a lot of other things going on at home, and he knows this, he knows I won't talk to her, I don't know her well enough to trust her!! It's as though he is laughing at me when we are all in the same room together,(we haven't been for a while now) Indeed he has even poked and prodded me like a child, patronisingly when he thinks I have noticed him watching her. He often behaves like this, like a little child who has been naughty!!
I know she suspects the same of me, I can tell by the way she looks at me, she gets uncomfortable around me,she has snapped at me, asked me where I've been on certain days,etc. lately we have become a little more friendly, and every time we do, I get some sort of major drama from him by text by the end of the day!! There are too many coincidences like this happening for it to be my imagination!!
I know for sure that he has lied to her about me, given her the idea that I am stalking him or something like that, but anyone with poor eyesight could see that he would never leave my side, it was always him following me, never the other way round.
It makes me feel so sad that he could be saying lies to her and other people about me, but there is nothing I can do about that, and it makes me feel useless.
He is still telling me that I am on his mind every waking minute of the day,I'm the love of his life, but yet NOT wanting to see me in person.
I know that he will always want me in the background, and this is why he tells me these things.
We had arranged to see each other soon, and I KNEW there would be an excuse or new drama come up in time, and guess what, it has!!
I just feel empty now, is latest one is that his wife is suspicious, so he needs to be careful!! I don't believe that for a moment, he is too clever for that one!!
I'm just so sad inside, I went into this thinking he was going to be my happiness amidst all of the other negativity in my life,I really thought I knew him well enough to be able to trust him and it has shattered me, just totally shattered me.
Sylvia, thank you for your adavice, I have ignored his contact today, there was more drama involved, and I just can't cope with it any more now.
I hope I can carry on ignoring him,a dn i hope it will get easier day by day.
Brokenrose, it's not that I don't trust HER, I just don't know how much of a spell he has put on her,if she would believe me or not, and most importantly, if she would keep MY secret safe.
If he has been as convincing to her as he has me, then she will be bewitched and just take me as a psycho who is nothing more than jealous.
I do know that since he left my place of work, he has pursued me by text and calls, telling me he is missing me so much, can't wait to hold me, smell me, just be near me,he loves me so much and yet I also know that he is holding back on me.
Why would anyone want to be so cruel? I have told him to be honest and just say if it is over for him, he swears not.
We were also due to meeet today, but another crisis happened for him, so it didn't happen. To be honest, I didn't feel I wanted to see him this time, I'm so worn out from it all, but yet I would have for sure, such is the hold he has had on me.
Looking back now I remember times when he has talked of his financial troubles, told me things would be better if he could just afford this and that, needs money to fix his car, etc, I havent given him money for these things, and I now think that is why he has moved on from me and on to another who may be more willing to give than I am.
I have read Sam Vaknin's sites about narcissists and sociopaths, and my goodness, it is striking how many things have fallen into place for me.
Every time my gut instinct felt off balance I chose not to listen to it. How wrong I was!!
This cruel unfeeling man is definitely at least a narcissist and very probably a sociopath.
All the blatant lies, deceit, projecting blame onto me, making me feel guilty for his actions, denial for his wrong doings, full on and then backing off, if I joke with him, he sees it as a threat/sarcasm, stood or sat by my side every available moment. He has never asked me any questions about myself, only let me talk and took it all in, and then made connections with me, likes, dislikes, etc, just happen to be the same as mine.
He sometimes mentions certain things about me many times over for days, and then another day forgets that thing about me altogether.
He sometimes mentions his very first pick up lines to me as though he is only just starting out with me (we have been together just over a year)
On the day when it was one year, he passed it off as just a normal day, even when reminded.
He has shown stalking tendencies towards me, especially in the beginning, and then again after I challenged him, the list goes on.
I suppose it's the same for anyone once you have fallen for these people. They make you feel so good in the beginning that it is almost enchanting, and that is a feeling no-one wants to let go of.
I also think he enjoys playing two women off against each other, it's another thing that boosts his ego.
I do have another question if anyone can answer please.
Is it a normal thing for narcissists and/or sociopaths to have problems in the intimacy department?
eg, impotency or loss of interest, is it due to insecurity, or just connected to the thrill of the chase?
I would welcome any input to this, many thanks.
As I said , I have read and read as many sites as possible about ths mental illness.
A sociopath will NEVER admit to being a liar, he/she will, when called up on a lie, will only react with another, even deeper lie, a more dramatic story, and another reason why you should not have doubted them.
They are good actors, they have already worked out that you love them, do not want to doubt them,and want them to keep on loving you, and so the mind games begin!
They will NEVER admit to have done anything wrong to you, if you call them up on a wrong doing, they will very cleverly turn it round so that it is YOUR fault, or at least everyone else's.
They willl quickly change the subject or ply you with a sympathy/pity story, again, to bring you round to feeling sorry that you have called them up on something.
If and when they feel that you are really sussing them out, or are very close to the truth, or exposing them, they will simply back off from you without a backward glance leaving you feeling abandoned and alone!
Ater all you mean nothing to them, and you are no longer any good to them when you are NOT conforming.
The only way you can hope to keep these people on your side and hope they stay with you, is to simply comply to everything they say to you, never challenge or question them, and live a life of uncertainty, frustration, devastation, a feeling of unworthiness and doubt for your own gut instincts, in short, allow them to manipulate and control you forever, and put up with all that they do to put you down.
It is very easy for them to get others on THEIR side, they put on a false facade. People will see a caring, gentle, loving, empathetic person from the outside, they are SO cinvincing that no-one would ever believe YOU should you speak ill of them.
I have felt in this man's presence sometimes that I am in a play, his outward actions are as though they have been rehearsed.
He too mentions things I like/dislike, which I actually have never even discussed, he mixes me up wiht the other woman constantly, even to what shifts we work, what days off we have, etc. He sends me texts which are generic, ones which can be sent on to anyone else, and he probably does send them to the other one as well!
He has sent me texts which were definitely NOT meant for me, answers to questions which I did not even ask. I have asked, "was this one meant for someone else?" He was quites blatantly also texting someone else at the same times even as he was me! I'm sure the other woman must have been getting her texts all wrong as well.
It is right what they say, you do end up feeling like YOU are going crazy, when you know, but you cannot prove anything.
Every time I have interacted with this other woman, mentioned him, even in just normal conversation, I have had a reation by the end of the day, it has been so obvious to me that she has spoken to him about it to him.
This has been going on for a long time now, but like everyone else in this situation, I end up telling myself I am being over paranoid.
I have not been 100% sure if he is seeing her, or doing it dleiberately to get a reaction from me, either way, it is so cruel.
I think mine has known for some time that I am beginning to wise up to him, not believing him any more, I have been letting him know, even if only with hints, and his reaction this week has been to deliver me with a big drama about his wife, saying all hell has broken loose, quite obviously a scare tactic for me. This was all in a simple text, I didnt even mean enough to him to deserve a meeting face to face for this explanation!
He has cleverly done it so that I cannot answer him, and has not contacted me since,like I said above, backed off completely and left me high and dry and with the worry.
I don't believe any of it at all, there have been too many lies, and I am so worn down with it.
I don't expect to hear from him again, but I do know that if I do, I WILL NOT BE REPLYING,this man is not worthy of my loyalty!
I know he knew I was close to ending things, and of course he would not have been able to allow that rejection, not from me, not from anyone!
He has done as I expected, no less, and I know now for sure where I stand with him!
I feel I should talk to the other woman, warn her, verify all the things which she would have felt were not right, but it is not my place to do that. It is up to her to realise all of that on her own. I feel so sorry for her if she has gone throught the same as I have, but the best thing for me to do is to think about MYSELF and my own immediate family.
This has been a horrible year for me, I have other issues to work on in the new year, and in my heart I know I can work on them without this parasite in my life.
It will take me a long time to move on from this, it has involved and to some point affected my profession. He has simply moved away from that and made himself safe without a second thought for me!
I hope I can salvage some self respect for myself. I am trying to tell myself it has all been one big lie, never happened, but would also like to be able to think that I meant something to him, that some of the things he said were sincere, I know I'm hoping against all odds, but I think it may help me get through.
I will continue to visit this site, when I feel I need some encouragement, it has helped me so far, and I thank everyone on here for their stories.
I do feel alone sat here on my pc, but I know I can talk on here and vent my feelings.
I just have to get through Christmas, and then the New year,and so on, all day by day, and let's see how it goes.
I am thankful that I am a strong person, that I saw these things in him as early as I did, I am just so angry with myself for allowing it to carry on, I loved him so much, I still do, but more than that I feel sorry for him that he will never be able to feel real love for what it is.
Some posts have been hidden at the request of the poster.
I hope you are being strong ataloss. I have been reading your plight and it is so sad. Did you avoid contact or cave and see him today? I hope you are doing all you can to stay away.
I have been in a terrible relationship with a man almost identical to yours. But after almost a year of torment, lies, and sadness, I have moved on.
I have picked up and left. Removed myself from the situation. It is the only was to get away. I needed to have some respect for myself and not be treated basically like a stupid whore. He continually tries to contact me. But I am not giving in. He made me alienate so many people and made me believe terrible things about them. No more.
I wish you would have the strength to talk to the other woman because then you can save her from the ugliness that is yet to come. And perhaps she can save you too.
Hope you are strong and wish you luck for the future.
Congratulations on getting away, crushed. Stay strong.
Crushed, thankyou, your story helps, i know I'm not alone in going through this in my life.
Today I have cried because of something in my own seperate life which was significant to me today, I have spent at least the last nine months crying! I feel like I am on a roller coaster and I can't get off.
This man who promised he would always be there for me when I needed him is not here.I don't expect miracles, and for him to be here in the flesh all the time, but being there does mean if I need to talk, need to be held??
I need him so much, miss him so much, but yet when i hear from him, I don't believe a word he says to me,I want to, but I can't, and that makes me cry even more.
He created a personal crisis, just in time to stop our meeting, which if true, I can understand, but I don't believe it is. How sad does a man have to be that he can't be honest and say "I don't really want to see you, I have moved on now" I have asked him to tell me if this is how he feels, he says he can't ever lose me, I am on his mind constantly!
He says he could never hurt me, I tell him dishonesty is the worse thing which would hurt me, but he still does it because he is a coward??
He contacted me, only after a long enough time that our planned meeting had disappeared without happening, and he felt ready to come back, never even mentioning it, like it meant nothing to him.
I wanted to scream at him, shout at him, but all he can talk about is how HE is going through hell, he has things to deal with, and this is all only by texts, he won't allow me to come face to face with him to discuss anything.
He is leaving me in the background hanging on like a piece of elastic, no contact for a couple of days, and then out of the blue " Hello beautiful lady, blah blah blah"
I think one of the above posts is right, it is like an addiction. I am addicted. I think to myself when he contacts me, I'm going to ignore him, but I can't!
Again, I answered but was a little off with him and hey presto, no reply, and he won't again for a while.
I am constantly thinking, I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have been impatient, and the list goes on with all the things I shouldn't have becasue it made him back off and ignore me to punish me.
It is like dealing with a spoilt brat of a child all the time, he has lots of childish ways about him.
I spend most of my time thinking, does he feel threatened by me?, intimidated by me? is this why he is this way, but he says not. He says it's becasue he is insecure and cautious!
I just don't have the strength to tell him to leave me alone, and yet I have felt for months that that is exactly what he is trying to tell me to do.
I feel he is continually pushing me so that I will end it becasue he does not have the guts to tell me himself.
When I asked him this question he gave me such a convincing act of love, sincerity, and even produced real tears, he was supposedly so upset at the suggestion.
I never imagined that there were so many emotions one person could feel inside before I met this man, I wish I had never had that first kiss with him, I wish I had never said yes to that first meeting, I wish so many things now, every time I reply to him, I wish I hadn't because I can see his smiling smirking face even though he is not in front of me, and yet I need to be near him to feel that feeling again.
I have got through another day with no contact from him, but not easily, I have waited all day with my phone in my pocket, not knowing if he is at work, at home, if he is even thinking about me on this important day.
And I am so so sad, but I guess I am too busy trying to understand how he feels all the time.
How long will it take before I start to think about myself and how he has made me feel?
I feel so sorry for HIM all the time, and I ghues that;s where I'm going wrong??
I am not religious, but the passage in the Bible, 1 Corinthians, is powerful: "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." When dealing with my own little sociopath, I always repeat those words: Love is kind, and that tells me right there what is really going on here. I suggest you think about these powerful words and ask yourself, Is my 'love' patient? Is his or her love for me 'kind?' If not, you know what you should do.
Very appropriate passage, Sylvia. I know from my own experience with my sociopath, I was very strong when I did not see him or speak with him. The very moment I made contact, whether in person, or on the phone, I lost all rationality. I was under the spell. I forgot all of the strong reasons for saying enough. I fell for it over and over. Hook, line, and sinker. I couldn't speak. I wasn't angry. I had no thoughts of my own. I had rehearsed in my head, over and over, how I would handle the situation. I cried many times. And yet, in his presence, I was nothing. I had no brain.
Why do we allow someone to have this control? Why do we allow someone to make us question ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to hurt so badly and yet want to continue this vicious cycle? It is most certainly an addiction. That is why it is so important to remove yourself from the situation. It is the only way.
Time heals all wounds. It isn't easy. But know that you when you are truly loved, you never question it. You never have doubts, you never feel lied to, cheated, and most definitely never feel badly about yourself.
Standing strong and getting stronger every day. Finally free and starting to to see clearly. If you are looking for revenge or a way to "win" , walk away and never look back. The view is much better on this side. Good luck.
Today I celebrate four months since my breakup with my spath. Saved my 37 year marriage (my wonderful wife knew something was wrong but never knew that I had fallen for a much younger woman) Saved my relationship with my wonderful children....salvaged other friendships which had suffered......regained control of my business which I had neglected for the six months we were together.....Realizing early enough that I was dealing with a troubled young woman that saved me thousands of dollars and an ocean of tears..well maybe not quite an ocean..but it had been many years since I shed any tears over a breakup...All of this being said the recurring question is WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M THE LOSER? I continue to "fix her" in my imagination. I clean her up in my fantasies yet I know that in reality she could only be worse here four months later.I totally relate to all the posts that I read and empathize with every word of every situation. Anyone that has never walked in our shoes will ever understand the impact and strength of that psychopathic bond.There has been no contact since late September when as I said in an earlier post she tried to hustle me for 500 bucks. I think that refusal plus the fact that I evicted her from her apartment was shocking enough to her that she may never contact me again.. I believe that she had never felt rejection...but guess what...secretly as many of you have experienced..I wish and hope every day that she will contact me while praying that she doesn't. I so miss those early idealization memories yet am so happy that I'm not still listening to all the lies..while knowing they were lies just going along with them for the sake of our time together ...which continued to decrease and become more stressful each week.So many of you know exactly what I'm feeling. Those of you recently split from your paths...hang in there ..it does get better..there will be peaks and valleys in your recovery but eventually the peaks will be higher and more frequent..the vallys will gradually become fewer and not quite as deep with each passing day.As hard as it is to accept we must let it go..Who was it that said that holding a grudge is like drinking arsonic and expecting it to affect the other person we must let it go to survive. I guess I have rambled enough. Thank you all and Merry Christmas.
A guy I dated when I was a kid ran across me on facebook about a year and a half ago.. He was so charming and kept asking me to move where he is and talked of us being together forever I was the love hes always looked for etc.. I moved here to be with him. Its been story after story always moving supposedly has all this money but drives a crappy car everytime he pops in which is every couple of months usually. Hes never let me know where he lives says he has too many stalkers.. When we are together he is so caring and loving and affectionate well he seems that way and then the next day or a couple later he starts his games again he met the love of his life but he always tells me he wants me and cares for me n hes crazy for not wanting to be in a relationship that things have changed. But always he tells me he found someone new. omg I feel like a crazy person trying to describe this my mind is going everywhere but I guess thats what he does to me. I lost so much weight.. have been very depressed and every time I start to move on he pops back in my life. Its like he doesn't really want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me. He poisons my mind against myself even trys to about family and friends that he says hes driven halfway across the country to find out about me and I know thats lies too.. He hasn't spoke to anyone about me. Everything he said he liked before.. if he found out I liked it now he hates it always contradictory. He always talks about other girls two weeks ago he even told me he was going to this club to see a band and I was meeting him there.. as soon as I got there another girl came up to me and asked if I was so and so I said yes. She walked off then kept lookin at me for a little bit so I went up to her and asked why she wanted to know who I was. She said you know "Joe" I told her yes.. and she then said well hes mine stay away I just wished her and him the best and walked away. That really was the turning table for me in this whole thing. I never imagined him being capable of hurting me like that sure hes said all kinds of mean things like he wish I was dead or called me all kinds of names and ran me down. But when we are together.. I can see in him that none of that was true I just always thought there was some other reason for him being that way toward me that he just was too scared to tell me. I am positive this man is a sociopath.. he is the most patholgical lieing hateful decieving person i've ever known in my life.. haha and I bet if he came to my door right now I would just wanna hug him he has me so messed up. I text him last night and asked him if he was a sociopath or had been diagnosed.. well you can guess i'm sure what the response was to that. He is still texting me and I havent said one word back to him since I told him I thought he was one. I've definately upset him.. I'm trying to move on again this little bit of info has helped me some I think knowing why.. all this time the biggest thing was just not knowing or understanding why he stayed away when things were always so perfect when we were together.. I do miss him but I pray everyday someone comes into my life and pushes him right out of my heart.
I began dating my soon to be ex husband in highschool almost 10 years ago. He was cute, charming, attentive, the whole package. Or so I thought... This kid fed me lie after lie for years. He joined the army after high school and met another girl while he was in basic training. After he completed his training and was at his permanent duty station called me up one day and asked me how good my credit score was and if I would co-sign on a car loan for him. I'll admit I was flattered, HE needed me for something. He came to me when he needed help. Well a few weeks after I signed my name on the dotted line, he invites this girl from basic training out to stay a weekend with him (I also had to learn things like this incident through snooping, but way after all this happened). A few months after I had signed, I started getting phone calls from a credit union if never heard of and wouldn't answer assuming it was telemarketers. I finally took the call and found out my boyfriend had not made one single car payment! I was furious, but wrote a check for $856. Long story short, the car ended up having to be voluntarily surrendered. Leaving my credit and his pretty damaged. Did he care? No. Incidents like this one and many others prior to us getting married should have alerted me that this man could potentially do much more. Since getting married he will randomly say he wants a divorce when he is mad over something I have said (the final thing being me trying to have a discussion over what to buy him for christmas). He always wants to assume the role of the "victim". Needless to say I am now beginning the overwhelming process of getting over all of the hurt and anger this jerk has caused me. It took me 10 years to see him for who he truly is, a sociopath.
This whole time I have been thinking that the man I have been with was a sociopath but now I am beginning to think that the "other" woman allegedly having a relationship with him is the sociopath. She convinced me that he was the sociopath and that he was a liar and had no emotions and can never love. She warned me that he was dangerous and that we could never confront him or talk to him about it. She even convinced me to go see a therapist. Now, I think it was all her game. She wanted me out of the picture. She wanted him and even though he was turning down her advances, she couldn't accept that he was with me instead of her. She is the one who is attached to his hip. She comes in early to work just so she can spend more time with him and she stays late at night again to get more time. She follows him out when she leaves and she even makes sure her car is next to his in the lot. She texts him constantly and is on the phone with him all of the time too. I am pretty sure she is stalking me. I get calls that have clearly been blocked from appearing on my caller id. The calls always come minutes after he leaves work for the day. It is like she is checking to see if he is with me. I think she might have put a GPS tracking device on my car too. She has alienated me from my friends. She was a friend of mine before I started to figure things out but she was still trying to spin the stories and make me feel like I was crazy and that I was wrong. She would cry crocodile tears. She manipulates everyone around her to do whatever she wants them to do. Whether to change their schedule to accommodate hers, to dictate how and when she wants things to happen, and she even manipulates her boss to always do as she wants without a care for others involved and how it may impact them. She takes in information but hardly shares a thing unless looking for sympathy. She uses the info to morph into whatever she thinks you would want her to be or like. So, if you say I love Metallica, tomorrow she will have it on her ipod ready for you to hear. (like she has loved it for years) If you say you love the color blue, tomorrow she will be wearing it just to catch your attention. She has a very sexual past with many partners and no relationships with any of them. Even if she isn't a sociopath, she is most certainly a narcissist. She has paid for her body ten times over. Although, she is still pretty ugly if you ask me but she has a very outgoing personality that she does use effectively to make up for that. She is very superficial and had told me that when she feels wronged she will get revenge in spades. I worry that she has some evidence against me that she will use to destroy my marriage and my career. I do not put it past her. The man I was with insisted she was lying to me about their relationship and I didnt believe him. But when I went back and looked at all of our correspondence and thought about our talks, I realized that she was inconsistent and that she was lying. She went out of her way to flirt with him in front of me, to hang around(after all she was the one who came to see him- he didnt go to see her) She wanted me to believe they had something going on. I feel so manipulated, so betrayed, and so stupid. Despite efforts on my part to remove myself from her path and change my hours and days, she always manages to be around, or make me see that she is there. I know she has used other people to find out where I am, what I am up to, and how I am. I never thought that SHE was the problem. I would love to confront her, but to what end. She would probably just laugh and tell me that I am crazy. So, for me trying to stay away is all I can do now. I continue my relationship with him but do it much more quietly so she does not have a clue what we are up to. Does anyone know if there is a way to find out who is calling when the caller ID says anonymous? What if you are being harassed- don't you have a right to know where the call is coming from?
I can't help but feel there was some purpose in coming across this thread, where the experiences and feelings are all eerily similar to my experiences over the past year.
A bit of of background for you. We met on an online dating site ... I'd joined for one month after seeing a stint of commercials thinking why not try something new, maybe the people on these sites are more sincere in what they're looking for than just the average bar-go'er, etc.
The first message he sent me was "perfect"... flattering, indicating that I was one of the few on the site who caught his eye, was "normal", the whole schpeal. I should admit, as a somewhat hopeless romantic, I was intrigued. But one line stood out and always did. It was the sign I ignored. He'd said "I need someone like you in my life".
Within my first response back he immediately asked for my number. When I sent it in an email, around 11 pm one night, he was awake. Wanted to talk. (Notice the urgency? I didn't - I took it as flattering). In the conversation he said he didn't want to wait to meet, let's get together the next day. Ok I said, thinking what a great impression I must have made. On the first date, he was more affectionate than I would have normally expected a person to be on the first date.. When I got home, called immediately to talk well into the night. Again, sadly, the insecurities that reside in me somehow felt validated, accepted by all of this and so happy to find someone apparently so attentive and wonderful.
Within two dates he made it very clear he'd gotten off the dating site and basically expected me to as well.. and of course I did. When I went out with a group of girls a few nights later, I saw what I should have taken to heart.. He created a fight over some insignificant thing and accused me of making him look "crazy" because he suspected I was talking to him (fighting w/ him) in front of them. Despite telling him that no, I'd gone to my car out of respect, he turned the fight on me. Began to call me names and accuse me. I was a little weary of all of this, but within a day or two he said to me I know this is fast, but I think I love you. Although I thought it was fast, we had such an apparent connection that I let it go. In reality, this man never really had a connection with anyone, I was a means to something he needed. His sister had met a wonderful man a few years back on an online dating site as was happily married. His brother - also happily married. Parents very much excited to see him with someone... and in reality, I think I just happened to fit what he felt his family expected of someone he should be with (stable job, caring, nurturing, etc.)... I tear up writing this, knowing that his emotions and words never had sincerity behind them, but maybe one other person will connect with this and not feel alone in their situation.
Anyways, over the 8 months or so we were together, I discovered lie after lie as his stories started to falter. Like most sociopaths, all his ex's or people he'd dated had either wronged him or were crazy. Most likely untrue of most .. his sister once told me his ex's were wonderful people and that relationships ended because he was too selfish. Well I can only imagine that's a small part in a much larger picture. He would lie about his smoking (told me he didn't, smokes 4-5 a day), about his financial situation (told me he partially owned a place, but really was renting), about where he was, etc. Every time I would say wait, what you just said doesn't match what was said the other day, he'd twist and turn until I was convinced that I was either mistaken or in the wrong. He called me vicious names, preyed on the things he knew I was insecure about, made me feel like he was so wonderful that I was lucky to be with him and should be careful not to lose him. He gambled.. A LOT. Impulsive, irresponsible behavior - Check. He would buy cars, bikes, anything to sustain his interest for the short while before he would have a reason for getting rid of it. And the most hurtful, confusing part .. how he could verbally confirm his love (wanting to marry me, etc.) but could not keep plans to save his life. There was always some reason, usually work or snowboarding or cars, that he would use to break plans. I couldn't figure out why I was so unhappy and hurt, why when I'd try to accommodate and say ok, let's just stay in and cook or whatever, that he would turn it on me saying I wasn't respecting him and how he was tired or whatever it was that day. He doesn't have many close friends and breaks ties quickly. Loses his temper SO easily. ALL SIGNS I SHOULD NOT HAVE IGNORED. When I finally did try to break up with him, he said he'd never give up on this. Until he actually broke it off with me. In a weird way, I was almost happy he did because I felt like I could breath. I could escape the constant fighting and drama and pain he brought into my life.
It's been five months and he continues to drag me along, texting or reaching out ever so often to ensure he keeps that connection, that hold. I've looked at the profile of a sociopath ( http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html ) and it fits him to a tee. It's scary.
I know I do not want him or the ups and downs emotionally that he brings, in my life. Does anyone have advice on how to safely disassociate from someone like this .. based upon threats he'd said he could do to an ex-best friend, I do fear on some level his ability to retaliate.
But on a positive note, as this site hopefully confirms, none of us are alone in what we've been through. I wish everyone the best and hope that we all emerge stronger, but still open to love, maybe more guarded, but hopeful. Hope is the only thing that can't be taken away unless we allow it to.
And as Crushed mentioned in an earlier post, and should be a reminder to anyone either in, or trying to move on from, a sociopathic relationship: When you're truly loved by another person, you never have to doubt their feelings (emphasis on actions, NOT words ... if they don't match up, there's a reason. It's control), you never feel lied to (no matter how small the lie, don't ignore your gut. If the lies start to pile up, be very careful ... it's not normal to be lied to by someone who claims to love you), cheated (I pray this doesn't happen to anyone, but is a potentially inevitable reality of being in a relationship with a sociopath - someone who will always put themselves before and above anyone else because truly, they don't have remorse for their actions), and most definitely never feel badly about yourself (I am still working on this one and hope everyone on this site gets there eventually too).
CantLoseHope, you have been on an emotional roller coaster. He sounds like a classic case. Disengage slowly and carefully and do what you can to stay safe. Sending positive thoughts ..... thank you so much for your comments.
Silva, My daughter is in a relationship with what I believe is a sociopath. I just found out about this disorder yesterday and when I looked it up, it fit him perfectly. they have been in and out of a relationship over the years. they have a 5 year old son and now a 8 month old daughter. She is in the process of moving back in with him again and I am fearful for her and for her children's safety, mentally, physically and spiritually. He has done things to terrify his son, (putting on a mask and pretending to be a monster) squeezing him to the point of pain, My daughter had a miscarriage about a month after they got married, he tells her that some of his problems are because he thinks when she had the d&c after the miscarriage, that he thinks the baby was really alive and she killed their baby. He is verbally cruel but she stays so connected to him, she will not let him go. He tells her what she wants to hear, he can paint the picture for her but can not hold up to the promises. He told me when they were dating that he could eat a human brain just to see what it tasted like.....he is a sick person....the list of things he has done go on and on....I don't even know all there is. I just found out he let his son watch porn with him and told my daughter that it would not effect him because he is young....he has told her in the past that she is his savior and that he can not be good without her in his life. She does not talk to us when she is talking to him, she shuts us out. They lived with us for about 1.5 years and I thought that if he just saw a difference that maybe he would change. but then I found out that when he left at night (to go play guitar with some of his friends) he was really having affairs and doing drugs. He has always lied so easily with a straight face even in things that you would wonder why he lied. He is destructive with things, both his and others. He can get a new vehicle and it will look like trash before long. He acts like he is Gods gift to women. He came to the hospital when my daughter was having her last baby and was sitting on the floor texting, Im assuming, other girls. One time he called her 3 months after she was separated from him and he told her that he had been stringing her along that he had been waiting 3 months for her to give him a divorce so he could get remarried... I think all this did was to jump start the relationship in some sick way, because then he started texting her non stop until she broke down and called him. I told her counselor some of these things and she said it sounds like he may jave some sociopathic tendencies, so I looked it up and the discriptions fit him. I knew he was a sick person, and have told other family that he does not know how to love, that it is all about jonathan and the only one he loves is himself. He was in the army and when he got out, has not worked since, he was on unemployment as long as he could and then he started acting like he was posessed by the devil, different voices and all...he now is on disability and has all day long to figure out what he can do to get my daughter back. He uses other peoples money and credit to get what he wants. He charged up 11,000 worth of debt on her credit cards, (with a promise that he would pay it all back), that I foolishly payed off when my daughter came to live with us so that her credit would not be ruined.....I need help and don't know where to turn for the help for her. She has some kind of sick connection to him, she is the type of girl that these type of people pick up on, she is loving and caring and nurturing, she wants a good christian home, and he will promise her all this. He will talk of religious things, go to church with her, act the part...to get what he wants. She puts him before her babies, though she does not see this. When he does some of the thinge he does to her son she sits there and does not come to the childs rescue. I want to take the kids from her until she does come around. I want to take her and her kids some place where he cannot reach them and get her the help she needs.... is there any help out there?
Just discovered this page and find it very helpful for women like myself, who have fallen prey to this type of man. I just want to say, that even smart, successful and powerful women can be duped. I am a high-profile woman and was with a sociopath for over 6 years. The classic signs at the beginning that should have been red flags: he lavished me with constant attention and compliments, wanted intimacy ono all levels too soon, pressured me to move in with him after a month and got angry and distant when I didn't comply, boasted about his new 'trophy' girlfriend to all, and preyed on my sympathy for his 'difficult' childhood, the fact that he can't find work, his 'mean' ex wife. I helped this man get on his feet professionally,and the more and more he accomplished, the more arrogant, mean-spirited and verbally abusive he became. He began flirting incessantly with other women, meeting them and hiding his whereabouts, admittedly 'working' on this woman and that woman to get ahead, but still claimed he 'loved' me. It finally escalated with my confronting him about his predatory nature, his beating my face up black and blue,and my reporting it to the police. He now has a record and plays the victim role, saying I attacked him first and ruined his life by having him arrested. Since then, he has retaliated in countless ways, by one minute pretending he was sorry and eager to go back to therapy to repair our relationship, the next by going online and schlepping some woman to his home to 'piss me off'. I forgave him,after he sought me out drunk and asked me to 'help him', realizing only a disturbed mind could think this way. Things were actually beginning to get better, we were enjoying each other's company for the most part when all of a sudden, from one day to the next, he told me he had just met someone online he is very interested in. Fact is, he met her weeks before he told me and I found out who it is. She is a wealthy, successful, high-profile woman who is going to eventually die of breast cancer and who runs a very successful organization which help other women through the cancer battle. They dated over weeks when all of a sudden, he texted me a week ago and was standing outside in front of my house begging to see me. We ended up talking, he told me he missed me and still loved me, and that things were not that great with the new love interest (she won't sleep with him) and we ended up in bed. My big mistake of course was letting him suck me in. The next day, he denied meaning what he said to me and told me he wants to marry this woman, that 'she means everything to me'. I know he is after her fame and money and is looking for her to rescue him from his pathetic life. I did write her an email, warning her and at this point, I don't care if she believes me or not and what she thinks of me. I feel these men get away with too much and we women have to have the courage to stick together and help each other.
In reading this page I see that this is NOT my imagination. In 2009 after a 17 year marriage my now ex-husband began dating a 28 year female. She was still married (as was he), and was ending her 2nd marriage and leaving with 3 children.
She was a "good ole girl" into John Deere & Browning and all the trappings of "Southern Alabama Lifestyle".
I soon left with my 2 children and moved to another state when I began to get "drive by" greetings from she and her sister on almost a daily basis outside my home. Everywhere I went....She was there by some "fluke".
I tried ignoring her and this seemed to anger her. I began getting followed home from the store by another family member of hers. Soon all of my family began getting invitations to "friend" her on Facebook.
Luckily; they moved yet again to GA and afforded us a little peace and quiet. Yet that was when the emails and calls began. The story goes on and on yet this is the key point.
In the 4 years that they have been together. She drives the same car make and model as I purchased. She now has mirrored her life to reflect me, my tastes and even my appearance. She has now set up travel plans to go with my ex and my daughter to meet MY family in Colorado (a 'relationship' she has built via FB).
Thank you for this article reminding me that a sociopath will never change. I have an adult daughter with a sociopath. He has physically and emotionally abandoned her, but she still holds hope of him being emotionally available to her some day. I have not contacted him for 2 years and planned to keep it that way. My daughter recently has been wondering how he is doing. How do I warn her about the emotional harm he will inflict if she tries to contact him? She has already been hurt so much.
Jackie, this really pulls at my heartstrings. There is no easy way, yet you know she must be warned. If she fails to heed your warning, she will be hurt even more. I am so sorry.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm 17 years old and I believe that I've come across my first sociopath. I'm also afraid to say that I feel like I'm in love with him and it's difficult to stay away from him because he keeps getting involved in my life. We met about two years ago and it wasn't until last year that I found out he had planned out exactly how he'd meet me. He approached me one day and I've got to admit that he came on a bit too strong but as the time passed, I found out how charming he can appear to be and how he (still) makes me swoon with his use of words. It's extremely hard to forget about him or get away from him because I've changed my phone number several times, and yet he's still found ways to get my number. He asked a mutual friend of ours where I live so now he comes whenever he pleases. I've blocked him on social networks but it's the same thing. Yet whenever I ask him where he lives, he says I can never go to his house. I started feeling attracted to him the first year we knew each other and I felt that he was something different, but I never really was able to put my finger on it until now. He made me feel special and that I truly interested him and that we had many things in common. We went out a couple of times and he met my father and I was even surprised that they got along so well. My father never liked any of my other boyfriends. I thought I had hit the jackpot. He's very clever and smart as well. He shows that he has no difficulty in school and is making good money with his job. He also claims to have made some thousands selling vintage baseball cards. I don't believe it but I pretend to because I feel the need to test him to see how far he'd go with his lies. We never became "official" but he always expresses his supposed "love" for me and sings me songs about love or writes me really nice things. I found out he was seeing another girl and lying to me about it some time ago so I cut my communication with him. No explanations, no show of hurt feelings. It was going so well. I had even met someone else. This went on for 3 months, perhaps. Until this year. He texted me telling me that he didn't like the guy I was seeing at the moment because "he's too low" for me. I disregarded it. Then a few nights ago, he said he didn't want to lose me and that I'm very valuable to him as a friend and person. That he couldn't live without me and more things of that sort. I was in disbelief and had this gut feeling to not believe him 100%. I still decided to talk to him about that, though and fell for yet another of his traps. (Stupid me) I asked him how his girlfriend was and he tells me he has none. I immediately thought they had broken up since I'd last seen him so I became hopeful to be friends and maybe he'd changed. (At least I believed it to be true) But coincidentally, that SAME night, I went to this movie theater in a different town with my father and found him with the same girl. Maybe he thought that he wouldn't run into people he knew if he went to a different town, but I was the exact person that he bumped into. I pretended to have not seen him and took off my glasses and squinted them to seem convincing. He and the girl were holding each other right outside the women's restroom and I pretended to look for someone. As I did so, I heard her say "who is she?" and I hear him reply "No one, just this girl from school." I felt so offended and hurt and betrayed. My father spotted him as well and knew exactly what was going on so I cried during our movie and my father told me the guy was trash. I honestly didn't care so much about him having another girl but the fact that he was lying to me again and then saying I was "no one" was such a big hit for me. I got home around midnight that night and he even had the guts to tell me "You didn't say hi." I lied to him about not noticing him and pretty much set up our dialogue so that he'd confess what happened, but he hid it. He hid it like such a coward, feeling comfort in the lie that I had told him about not seeing him. He pretty much sold himself out and I can't believe it that he's still acting like nothing happened. So I decided to confront him today. I got him to admit he was lying but not in the way I'd hoped. I wanted to be strong but he pretty much said it in a way like "Yeah, I lied to you, big deal, get over it, let's talk about something else." So I decided to play his cards and exaggerated the truth to see if he'd feel sorry for me. It worked, but I'm not proud of it. He did show that he cared about my safety and walked me home. And he hugged me after leaving me at my door, but I felt and heard him smell my hair as he did so...sort of in a romantic novel way... and he said "It was nice seeing you again. Hope to see you soon." I don't know what it is that he wants from me, though. It's sort of what scares me. It's not money because he's actually given me money rather than asking for it. It's not sex because he was aways very respectful of my space. We've held hands maybe once and that's about it besides the occassional hug. The only odd thing that he has used me for is...getting him material things. He'll give me the money to buy him things from other countries because I travel a lot. Could that be it? I mean...I don't think my social circle is much bigger than his. I know 4 languages and understand a 5th. That? I'm learning programming. That? After today I'm so confused as to what will happen next, what it is that he wants from me, and why hasn't he just left me alone.
It sounds difficult to figure out exactly what he wants from you, but the facts that I hear from your message is that you are young and still have the best years of your life ahead of you, and you have an instinct or sixth sense or gut feeling that things are just not right with this guy, so my opinion (not a professional, just an interested and caring personal opinion) is that you should avoid this person. You have established that he lies to you and that is a huge red flag. Perhaps it's not important to try and figure out what his motives are -- the important thing here is that your instincts are telling you that he does have ulterior motives. Good luck. Be careful and stay safe.
I need help, i know now that the relationship that im in with this man that i also have a child with is a sociopath and it sucks cause i dont know how to not love him or want to love him and love and raise our beautiful daughter together or get over this false hope that i have in my head thinking that he will change... please help
I am sorry that you have this issue to deal with. A true sociopath cannot change; they can only mask their true nature, and then only when it is to their benefit. I can only suggest that every decision you make puts your child's welfare first, and that you are careful in your dealings with the father.
For those wondering how to get over the sociopath in their lives, the answer is 'no contact'. Change your number, don't initiate any contact, change your email, even change physical address if possible. Its the only way to clear the fog & begin healing oneself back to a grounded reality again. Then your focus needs to be brought back to yourself, where it belongs & not so much on the sociopath. Once you start looking at your own inner landscape; your insecurities & voids the sociopath was able to exploit, you will grow into a much stronger & self aware person. I speak from painful experience & my profound encounter with a sociopath ex, was an initiation into much needed personaal growth & change! I wish you all well. You will heal & ptsd symptoms do subside with time & no contact.
sunray, wise words. No contact is the only way to get over a sociopath. For those unfortunate ones who share a child with a sociopath, I realize this course of action is extremely difficult. Sometimes it is impossible to legally keep a child away from the other parent. I guess each case is unique, but keeping away from the sociopath is the best solution.
I am so glad that I found this page and all I can say is, wow! This answered ALL of my questions about him and how I have been feeling. I can't believe this happened. I new something wasn't right but he kept making me feel like I was worthless, and over reacting ALL the time. We had a 3 year relationship, we broke up for a few months in between but got back together. I couldn't stop thinking about him, I loved him sooo much. I still do, and that kind of makes me sick. He has been so mean to me, he has cheated so much, even had one girl pregnant, lied, he steals from me and everyone else. He has even robbed past places that he worked at and would have the guts to go back and ask for his job back. He seemed so smart and so together "somewhat" enough to fool me anyway. Many times I thought to myself "what am I doing" this person has nothing to offer but good looks. He is a looser. Yet I would stay, do everything for him, give everything I could. I thought whatever it takes to make this work. I really couldn't put this all together until I started reading up on sociopaths. And to make it even better this guy is a drug addict. He has family, men and women paying ALL of his bills. Gets whatever he wants and more. And no one seems to know that he is laughing behind there backs. We are not together now it has been a few months. He broke it off with me suddenly, and we were living together. He would have loved for me to stay living with him so he could start this whole scenario all over again. Wanting the friendship, messing with my mind bleeding me dry and hurting me all the way through. Always in a vague way tho, never direct. I was never sure when he would explain something to me, lots of details seemed to be left out. just dropped our relationship like it was nothing. He had me thinking we were going to be together for the long haul. And I had every intention of sticking it through. I was to numb to even cry for the first 24 hours after our breakup, things didn't seem real. I couldn't even discuss things with him at all anymore because it was like I had no brain to think. I walked on eggshells constantly, however still didn't want the relationship to end. Now I am seriously left with nothing. My business is in the hole, I don't even have a vehicle at the moment. I feel like such a looser. And he has already moved on to another women, he is driving a car someone bought for him, clothes his family buys him, all bills paid, everything stolen. And he keeps it from everyone. I have never seen anything like this. I feel so devastated, sick actually. I did get a restraining order on this person and it turned out he had 5 others! I never new that. Someone who has been friends with him for 30 years had no idea he had that many. She new about 1. I wish that I have never met him. I am having so much difficulty getting over this because it is weird, I know he is horrible, yet I still miss him. I want to have sex with him, yet he was such a very selfish lover, and would deprive me of sex all the time. I would lay in bed next to him in agony, no affection, and if I tried touching him most of the time he would yell at me so I was afraid to initiate sex. I am glad that I am away from him and I have no intention of ever talking to him. I have decided to move away and get new friends seriously, its not worth it. When will this hurt, sick, devastating feeling ever go away! Thank you for allowing me to write my story, hope it can help save someone else's heart
Thank you, Lynn, for telling your story.
Well, I'm back, and therefore obviously still mixed up with this man.
This married man with whom I've been in love for the past year!
It has been hell, there has been a lot of studying, googling, etc, but I think I finally came up with Bordferline Personality disorder (at least)
He is a textbook case, if anyone can enlighten me more, please do so, I'm in agony over him, and anything may help!
Hypersexual, constantly flirting (openly)a constant erection, flustered, excited, etc.
Excpet when trying to 'make love', then, loses the erection (needs help with medication)
Full on, the same words over and over, total adoration, sometimes sickly. Easily said in words, but when said face to face, somehow feels disnegaged, dissassociated and distant.
When making love, it feels and appears robotic. (He has to have medication)
Constant lies, contradictions, lies through omission.
When confronted, total deflection, staright to another topic (pity story, drama, talking about his ailments)even to the point of producing tears, and when he thinks he has been believed, a big triumphant smile!! almost like a child who got away with being naughty.
No contact for a few days, then comes back with a big drama for an excuse for his absence, then later texts again, having totally forgotten about the previous drama, as if he hasnt even been away, and nothing has happened!!
Evasive, always wanting to know my whereabouts,if I dont answer directly, he reverts to asking in a different way to extract information.
Infantilising, after having sex, poking me, tickling me, like an annoying little child!
False promises, says he wants to see me, but never asks unless he feels he may be going to lose me, then he comes back full on, meets me, then reverts back to the same previous pattern.
Speaks childishly in his texts, words like, me going out later,,,, I shopping today.
constant patronising stroking of my legs, arms, foreheaad, etc which feels like he demands reassurance.
passes me in his car without looking at me, when he has not long since text me saying I'm on his mind constantly!!
sending me texts which are meant for another woman with the same level of intimacy, or giving me reason to believe they were meant for someone else (he knows this is the one thing which would finish things for me) as though he is actually instigating me to break it off, but then when he gets a feeling I might do, he comes back more full on then before!
DOes not get even one little joke from me, takes everything as a sleight against him and then does not contact me for a few days.
It is like being on a roller coaster that I can't get off.
Flaunts the gift I gave him at the beginning of our relationship, takes it to work every day, and then home again, like it's a trophy ( a practical usuable gift)
Told me before Christmas he had a special gift to buy for a very special lady, listing all my traits,everything about me personally, and then just before Xams, came up with a massive drama so that we couldn't meet, hence, he didn't have to see me and be embarsased that the gift was not forthcoming.
Keeps me at arms length, but yet texts telling me how much he loves me, misses me, can't stop thinking of me.
Every piece of contact has to be initiated by him, I cant contact him at all!!
This has left me sat waiting in the wings.
Has played games with me for months, deliberately giving me the impressioon that there are other women, he has loads of Just numbers in his phone, including mine!
The list goes on, I passed him on the road and only saw him after he had passed me, he has not contacted me, has taken that I did it on purpose obviously.
Now I'm sat waiting constantly for any contact, intending to tell him it's over, but when he does, it's so manipulating that I feel sorry for him and can't bring myself to do it.
Why the hell can't I just walk away, because he keeps saying to me, everyone I ever loved, has let me down, His controlling words have got me so that I can't bear the thought of hurting him.
He says he wouldm ever do anything to hurt me, does he realise this is hurtful, or doe she not realise he is even doing any of these things?
I think I'm hanging on to the thought that he doesn't realise.
I havae never loved anyone the way I do him, and yet no-one has ever hurt me as much either!
Ataloss,
I have a man just like yours. I am unable to end things no matter how hard I try. I have been hurting for almost a year now.
He tells me I am the only one and how much he cares about me. But, I know there are more. He is sloppy. He emails me things that make no sense because it was obviously meant for someone else. He treats me special and great and then the next day he is totally different. It is like when I am hooked he backs away and when I am ready to leave he reels me back.
He has issues sexually too. Likes quick interactions, likes dominance, doesnt want traditional sex in traditional places. I think because he finishes fast and cant perform. He talks all about his experience but I have yet to see any evidence of it.
I backed away because I confronted him about his lies. Big mistake. I couldn't actually prove anything but I knew. I had info. but nothing to prove it. My gut was telling me that he was with others. He was lying. I had some knowledge of the lies but nothing concrete. So, he turned it all on me. Said he doubted me, couldnt trust me, couldnt be with me because he didnt know if I would keep it all quiet.
Well, he pushed me away and made me so sad. But never fully. Still flirting, still emailing, still calling, and still making moves to be with me. And then started pleasing me sexually again. He wasnt letting me please him at first. I found it odd. But then of course let me. and then he pushed me away again. It is like this all of the time. Nice, fun, sweet, sexual, and then mean, cold, and pushing me out.
He makes a deal with me to tell me if he is with anyone else. And yet tells me in the same breath that he would never tell me if he was with someone else. He lies all of the time by omission. I even called him on that too and got laughed at.
I also got grandiose promises of a Christmas gift that never came. He is always telling me that I mean the most, am a priority, no one else gets as much attention, he cares, etc. But then his actions dont back it up.
I also get the blank stare when he talks to me. He is sooo robotic during sex. It is all mechanic. No closeness, no emotion, no pleasure.It is strange. I ask myself, why am I even doing this. Why do I care? Why do I get so upset? His words twist and turn to make me believe I am wrong, I am mistaken. He makes me feel so good in a weird way. I can feel so happy but I can also feel awful. Because even when he makes me feel good, he really never does. I usually feel terrible after I see him. I wait so long for it and when it comes it is a disappointment. I can never initiate a thing. He does. Only him.
He now asks me my schedule all of the time. I say why are you asking and he gets all defensive. I think it is to keep track of where I am so he can be with someone else.
He knows I love him even though it wasnt about that. It was purely physical but the promises and lies hurt so much. I want to leave but I have so much at stake that it isnt so easy. Today he flipped out at me when I suggested that I work with someone else. It was really scary and hurtful. We were with each other just yesterday and today he was so mean. Up and down.
We have to walk away. It is the only way. I know it is hard- I havent been able to yet. I feel so weak. Good luck ataloss, you are not alone.
Crikey, we could both be seeing the same man!!
This one chased me hard for nearly two years before we started to communicate outside of work, butI was already hooked, I suppose I was as bad as him really, I was obsessed with him, even now as I write, I have his face in front of me, and my insides are aching for him.
I have gone from obsessive texts from him, to just contact every few days, and when he comes back, it is all full on.
I recently replied with a barrage of upset, questioned his sincereity, only to have him start texting full on again, asking to and arranging to see me, I went eventually, asked him why he keeps going backwards and forwards on me, he literallly shut down in front of my eyes, and then came out with a long pity story to deflect from answering me. He even cried, and I like an idiot, reassured him I'll always be there for him.
He immediately stopped the tears and gave the triumphant smile and forgot all about it ,AGAIN!
I walked away feeling even more confused, no texts for a few more days, and then after that nothing!!
I have just found him out in another lie, I can't confront him about it, he will only lie with another excuse, and yet I can see the proof in front of me!
I'm torn between waitng to hear from him and also dreading it beacause I know I will only have it for then and no more again until he is ready.
I am a really strong person, outgoing, bubbly, loads of frineds, a good social circle, but for this man, I am a doormat!! This has reduced me to a total wreck!!
In a way I wish I han't googled all of this stuff, it's made me try to understand him and I now make excuses for him, I spend all of my time thinking 'is he with someone else?'
I recently asked why he needs to know where I am every day when he won't tell me where he is until he is there, and that has stopped now too.
His answer,,,,,,,,so that I know when I can text you! He has spent fourteen months texting me throughout the day ANY time he wants and now this rubbish!
He has made promises to spend more than a couple of hours with me, and then said, we will when YOU aren't busy,,,,my fault, yet I have never given him an excusse not to see him, just been confused as to why he keeps saying I can't wait to see you, every day, over and over, but he doesn't ask.
It's so hard to explain how you feel inside, my closest frinds tell me to just ignore it all, walk away, but he has been deep down inside me for a long time, I can't laugh without him, and yet he suppresses my real self as well.
I am in constant doubt over anything he says to me, and the fact that he can't relate to any real feelings, ONLY ACT THEM OUT, has made me feel responsible for him. I can't bring myself to hurt him or reject him!!
I know he has been doing the same wiht another woman, he swears he hasn't, she means nothing to him, never has and never will, but I know there is nothing wrong with my eyes or ears, I saw it, heard it and confronted him.
He went into overdrive, like ascared rabbit in the headlights, total denial, and so manipulating that I came away actually believing it was me who was overreacting!!!
I decide every day that the next time he texts, I will tell him that's it, leave me alone, but he leaves it long enough to come back with a pity story and have me feeling sorry for him all over again.
I know I have to get tough, I feel like my heart has been torn to shreds, and yet, I can't let go of those inital feelings, which actually aren't really there any more, because I know he has moved on, but can't let me go. I made him feel good and he needs the contact every now and then to know I am there for him.
I am even thinking of him in my sleep and waking up sobbing real tears, it's got me that bad, I think I'm going to have some kind of therapy for this soon before I break down over it.
He has even said to me, I need to know canstantly that it is me who you want and love to be with!!! I think that says it all.
Good luck to you too, and please keep answering me, it helps, I need someone who understands how I feel.
Maybe we can help each other!!
Doesn't it drive you crazy when you find something out but are afraid to say anything to him because you know it will be explained away and make you look stupid? It is making me nuts. Because I know it is true but I can't provide him with concrete evidence.
I know that he has this other woman. They carry on in front of me but he tells me they are just friends and that they joke. He texts her every morning and night and never looks at the texts while I am in the room. If they are just friends, why the secrecy?
I asked him why he questioned my schedule and he told me it was because he wanted to know if I would be too tired when I saw him!
Whenever I confront him and we fight, he gets cold but then when he comes back it is like it never happened. It is so strange.
He has made promises to me to go to lunch, for a drink, spend time but he always has an excuse. He is too busy, has work to finish, can't get away. Always get we will find a way if it is meant to be.
I have cried many a night and day over this. We are smart and strong women. Why do we even care? But you know what I am feeling. The sex isn't great, the lies and manipulation are terrible. We are always kept waiting for something that won't come. And yet, we can't walk away. He is on my mind all day and night. I want him all of the time. I don't know why.
I understand. I am here. I hope we can help each other because I feel so alone right now.
I wish I could come up with the right words to help all of you get past this. Common sense and logic tell you that these relationships are not going to improve. These people will keep lying to you and stringing you along. Talking to them, confronting them, is not only pointless, but sometimes dangerous. You cannot change a sociopath, you cannot reason with a sociopath, and you are wasting your time, appealing to them for sympathy and understanding. They are simply unable to feel for others. I wish you all the best and I hope you eventually find the strength and self esteem to break away from these damaging people. Most people believe that we only live once. You are wasting what may be your only life. You will still have a chance for peace, happiness, contentment, fulfillment, if you can find the way to turn away from these harmful, hurtful people. Sending positive thoughts your way.
Hello Absolutely.
It certainly feels to me like we are both dealing with the same person, or at least one with the same disorder.
What makes it worse for me is that I actually study personality traits, I pride myself on seeing these things in people, and yet I still allowed myself to fall for him like this!
All of this started with him being very close to me in proximity, which in itself is not normal for just work colleagues, and then staring and casual brushes of the arm, back, etc.
I have never had this happen to me before, Ive only ever been with one man before him, I think that's another reason for me being a good target.
For God's sake, I even saw him doing these things with one or two other women, and still let it happen to me!
He built up a very striking connection between us, including my likes, dislikes, beliefs, everything, and pushed them at me, everything I did he was very interested in.
After reading up on it, I now know it was all a game to lure me, because now he slips up and some of those likes of his have miraculously disappeared!!
He has never put me down to be fair, never been rude, or crtisised me, never to my face, but I often turned quickly to see him frown when others were there, as if to say 'what the hell is she on about?'
I suppose I fell for him because I saw something different in him, I felt something was not right in him,and me being the understanding, caring, helping person I am, I was a perfect target for him! He knows I won't be able to desert him and uses it for his own needs.
Please google,,,,,,,,,, Borderline Males I've known, and almost loved, by Shari Shreiber.
I found this, and everything fell into place for me, every thing in this article is like HIS personal profile!!
Of course it helps you to understand them, but then it also makes you feel that you know them deeper, and then have a valid excuse for them too.
It makes women like us want to be their saviour, which after reading this, you will realise, that is not a good idea, it even explains the sexual side of things in detail.
In all of this, I have never considered his wife, but what hell must she be going through!!
When I think back now to all the crazy things I've had done to me, it all falls into place, he has done all of them to me on purpose.
This is a mental disorder which stems back to childhood, and even that has become plain to me, everything he has told me about his childhood, the times he got uncomfortable when i asked him things about his parents, all of it.
I hope this helps, and please let me know.
Take care xx
Ataloss/Absolutely We are addicted to these harmful relationships and the only way to recovery is total abstinance.No contact is the only way....otherwise they will continue to manipulate us to their pleasure. I saw my former sociopath at the post office on Tuesday. She greeted me with a very seductive HEEEYYYYY. Believe me it took everything I could do to say goodmorning and walk on.I want her but I realise that she is poison.Some years ago I kicked alcohol addiction by telling myself to LOOK BEYOND THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS.Beyond the bottom of the glass is where the pain and heartache begins. We must look beyond that charming smile and empty promises if we expect to heal. Be strong ladies
Ataloss,
It most certainly seems like we are with the same guy but more likely that they just have the same disorder. They are textbook and not surprisingly have acted the same ways.
The article you cited is great. Really spot on. "This is his distancing tactic, which makes you feel less-than, or not good enough--and that's his intent. Why does he treat you so cruelly? So he can make you feel jealous/insecure, and exercise more control over you and the relationship!" "Being in love with a narcissistic male means you'll never feel busty enough, thin enough, bright enough, tall enough, etc."
I can't tell you how right on this is. I can never win. Won't let me go completely.
Everything in that article is so true. Wow.
My guy got angry at me yesterday over something so trivial and threw so much at me. I was so hurt and told him. And he blew me off so easily. Like I didnt matter. I saw him today and he started off normal ad then reverted to that angry and loud and mean person. I don't know where "he" went. It was like a different person emerged. This all stemmed from jealousy. I said I might work with someone else and he flipped. After the continuous barrage of mean comments, I started to cry. It was like a light when on. All of the sudden, he was nice, backed off. We parted ways and I got a call ad he was telling me it will all be ok and then I got a bunch of emails. It was like he broke me and was really happy again. So weird.
He consumes my thoughts, my days, my life. I don't trust him for a second and yet I am still here waiting for him.
I read that article and it all made sense but it also does make me feel sad for him. It is sad that he had a tough childhood(he did). It makes you want to figure out a way to make him happy and want me. It makes you think you ca fill that void, fix him. I know I cant.
He didnt email me last night even though he does every night. He probably wanted to hurt me and make me crazy thinking he was with someone else. He did email me this morning like nothing happened. He made jokes, acted like all was ok and then when I seemed ok with it- he backed off again.
Ataloss, I am sorry you are going through what I am going through. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. It hurts, it is so destructive, and it makes me cry all of the time. I wish I had answers but I don't. I know leaving is the answer but it isn't that easy. You and I both know how hard it is to leave what we thought was a love that gave us happiness. That kernel of happiness, that little sliver that keeps us in the game. It feels so good. But in the end is it worth it. Like a high, you know in the end it can destroy you(kill you) but the high is so good and you are addicted that you can't stop. That is what it is like loving one of these men. Hold strong. xx
My daughter is living with a sociopath. He is a classic textbook sociopath. He has totally alienated her from her entire family that she was very close to. She believes all his lies. He cheats on her and I know he degrades her and she thinks he is the love of her life. She is totally brainwashed by him. I have never witnessed anything in my life like it! The only fortunate thing is he will be returning to jail for DUI...again. Is this the time to try to reach out to her again or do we keep trying now???
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Tanya 15 months ago
YES, YES, YES! You are so on point... The man I was dealing with was ALL of the above. He made you feel sorry for him by drwaing you into his sad personal history and horrible childhood...Said all of his EX girlfriends were crazy and did him wrong in some kind of way. when I found out the bastard was messing with another woman, I called her. (I got her number by snooping through his phone because he lied without a concience and snooping was the OMNLY way for me to find the absolute truth...) when I spoke to her, we had the EXACT story down to the letter... He wasnt even treating her any better (or Worse for that matter ) than he was treating me, and the same lies, stories, and sympathy cards he pulled on me to make me feel sorry for him, she used on him. then when he found out that I knew, he promptly said she was "crazy", but then I spoke with her again, and he said the same thing about me... smh... I know what to look out for next time I get in a relationship...Unfortunately, I dont know when that will ever be, because I am so afraid to get hurt again...